10 Ways the Family Caregiver Can Stay Afloat with Help

“Put a dot after those who leave, so that the names of those who come start with capitals.” Plato must have been a caregiver!

Caregiving is lonely because friends and family often abandon ship when the waters get rough. You are so busy keeping the boat afloat that you don’t notice that you are alone until you look up and realize everyone has disappeared with the life rafts. Resentment, anger and guilt become your new companions. I don’t need help. I can handle it if I just give up one more “unnecessary” activity. I never really connected with that yoga class anyway. Before you know it, you have dug a trench and planted yourself firmly and deeply in the middle. As your caree is tightly grasping the remnants of her independence, you hold on tight to your illusions:

• I am the only one who can accomplish these tasks
• The chores aren’t that difficult and should not require aid
• What will people think?
• I am a failure
• My caree will not accept help
• I will spend more time managing the jobs than if I just did them myself
• By the time I find someone to help, I could have just finished everything

Caregiver burnout is exhaustion that effects the caregiver’s physical, emotional and mental well-being. In Steven Zarit’s Assessment of Family Caregivers: A Research Perspective, 40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression. Approximately 25% to 50% of these caregivers meet the diagnostic criteria for major depression.

Finding the right help is the first step to keeping a life while caregiving. Identify what help would be helpful and then begin the process of matching the perfect person or service to the task or activity. This is an opportunity for a triple win; You are less stressed, your caree benefits from the less stressed you and your new crew member receives the gift of gratitude that comes from helping.

1. Reconnect with those who went in search of higher ground and ask them if they would help with grocery shopping, cooking, lawn maintenance, housekeeping, doctors appointments, managing finances. What else? Think about each person’s talents and be specific in your request for help. Collect “no’s” and keep going until you hit a “yes”. Feel and release frustration. Not everyone has the emotional abilities to be a part of your crew. The more time you spend angry is more time you take away from yourself. Forgiveness is the gift that keeps on giving.
2. What community services are available? Start your search by contacting the local Area Agency on Aging. Inquire about volunteer availability at a house of worship.
3. Consider grocery delivery, alternative transportation options, a pharmacy that pre-packs medicines, an app that will help you organize the tasks that you have delegated. Get creative in your quest to lighten your caregiving load.
4. Hire help. All home care agencies are not created equal. Learn about the options in your area and how to make an informed decision. Are they licensed by the state? Do they do background checks? Will they help you in finding the perfect caregiver match for you and your caree? A harmonious relationship can convert the most stubborn caree from refusing help. Find an agency that will be your caree/caregiver match.c0m.
5. Seek support from an organization that can help you better understand your caree’s illness or disease. Knowledge is power. Learning how to best care for your family member will reduce stress. Better understanding behaviors can help create a less combative dynamic.
6. Vent. Let it out. Consider talking with a member of clergy or a therapist.
7. Connect with other family caregivers. Find a community or online support group. It helps to share with others who “get it”. While it’s important to stay connected with friends, the best support will come from those who’s lives have been impacted by caregiving.
8. When you need to get away for more than a few hours, there are respite options offered by skilled nursing and assisted living facilities. Begin the search for short term respite care before the need arises and take a weekend or week to regroup.
9. While taking care of yourself can feel like another “to do” on a long list, self care will help replenish your reserves. An intense workout or a good nights sleep can reset the stress clock. Self care looks different during caregiving and it is crucial to find what works for you in order to move from survive to thrive.
10. Talk to a family caregiving expert. The Caregiver Action Network recently established a Caregiver Help Desk, 855-227-3640, to help with caregiver challenges. Caregiving.com offers the opportunity choose from a variety of Certified Caregiver Consultants.

What impedes us can empower us. When we become skilled at finding and accepting help, we can use these skills in situations beyond caregiving. We can share the power of accepting help with caregivers who we encounter. We can start to plan how we will accept and encourage the receipt of help when we are in the care receiver role. As Rosalyn Carter so insightfully said, “There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.”

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.