Dangerous Driving: Concerns about Dad Behind the Wheel

Warning signs

Dad told me that a man followed him home and angrily insisted that he needed to be more careful. Dad had run through a slew of Ibises. Ibises are gentle white birds that feed in the grass and leisurely cross the road throughout the neighborhood. Dad claimed that they ran out in front of his car and he couldn’t avoid them. Truthfully, he never saw them and likely wasn’t aware of the incident until the horrified witness brought him to task.

My brother shared another concerning account. It was nighttime and Dad was in the lane to turn right at a red light. A pedestrian started out into the street and Dad proceeded forward. The pedestrian stopped. Pat alerted Dad, who also stopped. The pedestrian started. Dad started. Pat yelled. It was a loop. Dad never saw the pedestrian.

There had been other signs, scratches and dents, driving dangerously slow at times and yet whipping dangerously fast around a familiar corner close to home, the discovery that he drove 3 miles out of the way to reach a stop sign rather than take a left onto a road that was not terribly busy. Dad and I were both in denial. We were both at risk of losing our freedom, so I avoided the conversation until it was painfully obvious that we needed to make a change.

The conversation

To say that the discussion didn’t go well would be like understating an understatement. Dad refused to give up the keys. Any amount of reasoning was met with an angry diatribe, a few ‘over my dead bodies’ and when possible tragic outcomes were presented, he would say, ‘That’s negative thinking’. I tried to enlist the help of his eye doctors, he had several, and his primary care physician. None were willing to support the effort and were clearly angry that I would involve them in a ‘family matter’.

One eye doctor in particular had been filling out the exception paperwork required by the DMV. I didn’t have absolute proof that he was illegally enabling, but we stopped going to him. Finally, I found a tech who recognized the gravity of the situation and refused to provide the false results. The doctor stayed out of it while the tech told him directly that his vision had declined beyond the legal limit. Dad spent the months following visiting every eye doctor within a 15 mile radius looking for a different result. I called ahead and explained the situation. As the date for his driver’s license to expire approached, he seemed to run out of options, legal options.

The early options

Option number one, I take him everywhere he would like to go, scheduled and unscheduled events. I wanted him to get out, stay connected to his social scene including the fitness center and his church, go to his favorite shops for art supplies and to his necessary doctor’s appointments. I tried to be his full time driver and soon realized that this was option zero. Visiting doctor’s had become a hobby and he often admitted that he just wanted to see a doctor because he missed him or her. He was lonely, but refused all of the opportunities to meet other older adults because he preferred younger people.

DART

Demand Response Transportation, required physician approval and registration. When set up in the system, Dad could call and schedule a ride as early as the day prior and each one way trip was a reasonable $4.50. There were challenges. If he waited until the day before an appointment, the available pick up times were limited and he often had to arrive at his appointment well before the scheduled time. He was required to request a pick up time which meant estimating the wait time plus the visit time. I would take him to appointments that I deemed necessary, but was not going to help him chase magic pills.

One memorable mishap occurred when he arrived very early, signed in, was not called because his name was written illegibly and had to return home without having seen the doctor. In the end, this became his preferred method of transportation to go to the fitness center and less significant doctor’s appointments.

PSTA

Pinellas had another program for older adults and disabled that would allow two riders per bus be picked up at their doorstep provided they were within two miles of a bus stop, which Dad was. The bus would leave the scheduled route and pick up the rider. Dad could not accept that he would be sharing his ride with a bus full of people. It was not riding a bus that deterred him, but rather that all of these folks would have been inconvenienced for him and that he would have an audience while boarding. The bus schedules were too challenging for him to follow and he was irritated because he may not be able to get a ride when there were two callers ahead of him. This was a hard no.

Caregivers would become a big part of the future transportation team. He was not initially open to paying someone to help with his needs until he met the right ‘someone’. That would be many traumatic months down the road.

Keys

Dad was above the law. He tried DART a few times and decided that it was too much trouble. He would drive without a license and who would stop him. He held on to the car keys like they were his lifeline because to him, they were. He hid them when he did not have them in his pocket. Then, he had a stroke due to Afib. He recovered fully. While he was in rehab, I decided that it was time to take the keys. I lied and told him that I needed to move his car and my key wasn’t working. He believed me long enough to tell me where it was and the next day was convinced that I had tricked him. He was furious.

He came home and demanded his car keys. I said, ‘No way.’ He turned all shades of red, then purple, demanded that I give him the keys, and made threats. I lost all resolve. I was fearful that he was going to have a heart attack or another stroke. I needed him to calm down and gave him the key. I was shaking, angry, furious, lost and afraid.

The Limit

After weeks of challenging conversations, a failed attempt to involve his priest, getting my brother and Dad’s brother-in-law and sister-in-law involved, Dad promised that he wouldn’t drive, but in return just wanted to hold onto the keys. He had always been a man of his word. I couldn’t imagine him not keeping a promise, until he didn’t. Dad was sharp, healthy and mostly self sufficient. My husband and I decided that with the help of caregivers, we could take our annual winter trip out west. The caregiver could run errands for Dad and take him wherever he wanted to go as long as it was in his vehicle so selling the car was not an option.

A week into the trip, our cat was missing. The caregiver had propped the door open while bringing in the groceries and my sweet Euro, who was terrified of the outdoors and equally terrified of this particular caregiver, chose escape. I flew home the same day. The outcome was heartbreaking. While home, I used Dad’s car and as I turned the ignition, Sinatra blared from the radio at a volume only Dad could tolerate. I demanded to know why he had been driving when he promised he wouldn’t. He demanded to know who told me. Then, he said he had had his fingers crossed when he promised not to drive. A 90flipping4 year old man had his fingers crossed. Where did he get a key? He remembered that he had hidden one under the car.

The Result

I fired the caregiving company. Researched, interviewed the owner and hired another. The caregiver employees could use their own vehicles to run errands. I put a club on the steering wheel and flew back across the country to Salt Lake City. When I left, Dad knew I was at my limit. I was mourning my sweet kitty, had spent $1000 on a last minute round trip ticket, jumped through impossible hoops to quick change caregiving companies and he had broken his promise. I was distraught.

Before leaving, I had not told him that I put the club on the car, but I knew he had seen it. The day after my return to Salt Lake City, he couldn’t wait to talk to me. “How does that thing work?” “What thing?” “That yellow thing you put on the steering wheel. I tried to back the car out to figure out how it works.” That’s my Dad. When he finally accepted that he was no longer going to be able to drive, I didn’t trust his promise. The solution we arrived at where he could keep a key and I could trust him was unique to him. He swore on the bible that he would not drive. This time he meant it. I removed the club.

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.