Woman and mother having conversation over coffee

From Anguish to Clarity: 5 Powerful Tips for Starting Conversations about Aging

By: Ashwini C. Bapat, MD

Have you noticed subtle shifts in your parents’ or loved one’s health? 🤔

It’s those little things—like needing help to do the groceries or changing the light bulb – daily tasks they once breezed through. Or perhaps they’re forgetting to take their medications or struggling with everyday activities like taking a shower or climbing the stairs. 

If you’re like most caregivers, you’re probably wrestling with big questions: What will the future hold for my parents’ health? What kind of care might they want or need? What is my role in all of this? Can I really keep doing more while also juggling my own life?

These questions are crucial, yet starting this conversation with your loved one can feel like walking in a minefield. 

But here’s the truth—these conversations aren’t just about broaching a sensitive topic around health and aging; they’re really about opening the door to deeper connection and understanding with your loved one.  

In this blog post, we’re dishing out 5 tips for kicking off those all-important chats about your loved one’s future care.

Tip #1: Recognizing the Right Time

Here are the 5-tell tale signs that NOW is the right time to start these conversations with your loved ones. 

  1. You’re worried about their health
  2. They’re worried about their health
  3. They have a new diagnosis
  4. They’re in and out of the hospital
  5. Things just don’t feel right – trust your instinct

It’s never too early to start these conversations. 

Remember, the earlier you have them, the better you’ll understand how they want to LIVE and be CARED FOR from retirement through their golden years, while they live with an illness, and through the end-of-life. 

Tip #2: It’s HARD to Talk About

If you’re like many people, you may have been meaning to have this conversation for years but haven’t gotten around to it. 

Maybe you’re worried about how emotional or heavy this conversation will be, or maybe you don’t want to make your parents sad. Maybe you’re worried your parents may take it the wrong way and think you want them to “kick the bucket.” 

No matter how long it’s been on your radar, or how good of a relationship you have with your loved one, it can feel overwhelming and emotional to even begin talking to your parents about these things. This is SO NORMAL!

Even for me! When I first thought about chatting with my parents about their health, all I could feel was that sinking, sick to my stomach, nauseous feeling – because talking about them getting older also meant me acknowledging that one day they wouldn’t be there anymore. 

So yes, it’s an emotional conversation, but do it anyway because…. 

Tip #3: The Hidden Benefits of Starting the Conversation

Having an {EARLY} conversation with your parents or loved one about their care wishes means you’ll know: 

✔️what’s important to your loved one when you get that call from the hospital in the middle of the night

✔️what kind of care they want as they get older and where they want to live

✔️What practical plans they have in place (or don’t have in place)

✔️how to advocate for them when they can’t 

✔️YOUR ROLE in all of this and how it fits into your OWN life

Knowing what your parents or loved ones will need from you can help you plan for the future. Maybe you realize that you’ll need to ask siblings or a friend to step up and pitch in. By having this conversation, you get a heads-up of what’s coming, and you can plan for it. 

Tip #4: The 5 Critical Topics to Cover

Now that I’ve convinced you WHY having this conversation is important,  here are five topics worth discussing. 

  1. Location: Where do they want to live as they grow older? What if they can’t remain independent? What options have they considered?
  2. Social Supports: Who can pitch in if needed? Are there friends, family members, or community members who could help?
  3. Medical Care: What’s their understanding of their health right now? And what’s most important to them as they get older—their values?
  4. End-of-Life Preferences: What’s important to them at the end of life? Where would they want to be, and who would they want around them? This can include talking about any Advance Care Directives they may have filled out. 
  5. Eldercare Finances: Do they have a financial plan, long-term care insurance, or a savings plan to cover costs as they get older? Are they hoping you can pitch in? 

Don’t expect to cover everything in one chat. Instead, pick the one or two topics that feel most relevant now, and then get going

Tip #5: Get It Scheduled!

Do NOT ambush your parents or loved ones. Instead, give them a heads-up that you want to talk, find a time that works for both of you and then start the conversation. If it’s not on the calendar, it’s not real!

BOTTOM  LINE 

Starting a conversation with your parents about how they want to be cared for as they get older gives you clarity on how to best support them. Clarity around what you’re working towards as a caregiver will help you be a more sustainable caregiver. 

Want more support on HOW to have the conversation? Join me in Unlock the Conversation, where I’ll walk you through it step-by-step, with word-for-word scripts, and what to say when your parents respond with gems like, “I don’t need you meddling in my health” or “I’ll die when I die!” 🤦

And look, if you’re thinking, this is great and all, but my parent or loved one can no longer talk or communicate due to their underlying illness – what do I do now? This is where connecting with a caregiver coach or starting the conversation with the medical team can help!  

Dr. Ashwini Bapat is a palliative care physician and caregiver coach with EpioneMD Caregiver Coaching. She’s dedicated to empowering family caregivers to navigate the delicate balance of caring for aging parents and young children while also living their own lives. She’s also the author of the FREE cheat sheet The 10 Questions Caregivers Should be Asking. No more guessing! Grab a copy and bring it to your loved one’s next appointment! 

The advice offered is for general information only; please consult your healthcare team, legal, or financial advisors for guidance on your particular situation.

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