Isolation 2.0: Caregiving + COVID19

Family caregivers often feel isolated. Shelter in place is Standard Operating Procedure. Physical distancing, or Isolation 2.0 for me meant that my mini escapes were no longer an option. Otherwise, after the initial preparation, COVID19 isolation doesn’t feel much different than pre-virus life.

“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.”
― Arthur Schopenhauer, Parerga and Paralipomena

Loss

When most people think of significant loss, not losing your keys, but heart wrenching loss, it is on the level of losing your house, your job, a loved one. Caregivers experience a different type of loss that intensifies as the caregiving experience intensifies. Running a few errands isn’t much of an inconvenience and it feels good to be helping, but helping a few days a week can slip into daily help without awareness. As the need for care increases, it is not uncommon to scale back on a hobby or exercise routine in order to be more involved in errands, tasks and doctor’s appointments. As life begins to revolve more and more around your caree’s needs, you can unwittingly find yourself in a bottomless pit of quicksand. It is a tricky trench to dig out of, but it can be done. 

Losses due to Caregiving

A new normal

“Think of the life you have lived until now as over and, as a dead man, see what’s left as a bonus and live it according to Nature. Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own, for what could be more fitting?” – Marcus Aurelius

I was in a profound trench. I clawed my way up to the surface, peeped over the top, looked around and didn’t recognize the landscape. Where did everyone go? As I began to manage caregiving tasks and care, rather than doing it all myself, I had to decide what to add back in to take care of myself? Which of my doctor’s appointments had I canceled and not rescheduled. I could start running again, eating better. A new normal was established.

This new normal gave me time to take an inventory of the losses. These losses had been causing anger and resentment and at the time were too mixed up in the tornado of emotions to process fully. With processing, I eventually found acceptance when I leaned in to the loss and the emotions. Amor fati. The losses from caregiving were and are temporary, but just like with physical distancing, they feel magnified because the length of time is unknown. 

Gains due to caregiving

As Dad’s world shrank so did ours. We also experienced growth and learning which prepared us for this next level isolation.

We learned how to:

• Quickly adapt and adjust to each new reality brought about by a diagnosis or event
• Ask questions and find resources
• Accept our situation
• Be resilient
• Live with and manage the uncertainty that feels like a constant dark cloud, low level anxiety and tugging tension
• Acknowledge that this is a journey to end of life

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”
― Rumi

Adversity also led to gifts, 10 Unexpected gifts I received on my Caregiving Journey.

Next level isolation

Losses from caregiving and COVID-19 are strikingly similar. Most of the losses that would have come from isolating under shelter in place orders have already been experienced and processed. The result is that the gains from isolation outweigh the losses.

Additional Losses due to COVID-19

• Activities outside the home have been even further reduced
• Making connections is crucial and on-hold during the first year of my business that was developed to support family caregivers

Psychologist, Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D. suggests tips for coping with loss in the article, 6 Psychologist approved Ways To Cope With Unexpected Losses Right Now.

Gains due to COVID-19

• I have reconnected with friends and family in order to share support and advice
• More time to read, write and work on behind the scenes business framework
• Dad and I have been able to have more experiences outside of our caregiving roles, since I have taken advantage of the isolation time to connect with him as his daughter rather than just his caregiver
• The neighborhood golf courses are open to walkers and runners; Joe and I take full advantage in order to spend time outdoors
• This is a low risk time for my husband to finally learn money saving hair and nail salon skills

Sustainable isolation

We have been trying to keep Dad entertained because when he gets bored, things go off the rails. More seriously, we added palliative care to offset the need to take Dad to see a doctor. We try to have a plan for every caregiving worry. However, there are worries that don’t have plans:

• What if Joe and I get sick and need to quarantine ourselves? Who will take care of Dad?
• If Joe and I get sick who will take care of each other?
• It is possible my brother won’t see his Dad again, my niece won’t see her granddad again?
• How long can we continue in isolation 2.0 and maintain a positive level of emotional health?

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl

This too shall pass. We will be stronger and better. We will take less for granted and will appreciate hugs more than ever. Empathy may lead to better understanding and more support for the family caregiver who lives this isolation with or without a pandemic. Please take some time today to reach out to those in your circle who are caring for a family member.

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.