Reduce Conflict with Aging Parents

Why is this so hard?

Many adult children encountered resistance to their requests for the first time when they learned that parents were not heeding the advice to practice physical distancing. It offered a glimpse into the future and an opportunity to better understand the relationship dynamic, the competing motivations and develop skills to manage future conversations as roles begin to shift.

In the early caregiving days, I was bewildered by the conflicts between Dad and I. I was paralyzed by the animosity. There was a lot to break down in order to understand the dynamic and why this aspect of caregiving was causing so much anxiety. I was transported back to my youth, a teenager, standing my ground, saying no to Dad’s request or demand. The emotions washed over me, anger, guilt, resentment. But this was forty years later and in between youth and now, we had both related well as adults, shared mutual respect, were mostly in agreement on issues. This regression was not how our bond was supposed to evolve. The contention was destroying our adult relationship.

The Obstacles

Control

Who’s in charge? Growing up, Dad was the gentle enforcer and I was mostly obedient. I was not prepared nor interested in swapping these roles and Dad wasn’t either. I was not parenting a child, but what was this strange new relationship and what were these strong uncomfortable emotions?

New roles and responsibilities

We were both resisting our new roles and responsibilities? Kathy Blair from KRB Move Management stated the reality well, “Children who hire us to help move their parents often have two personas: one when dealing with us and another when their parents are present and part of the conversation.  When dealing with us, they are decisive, self-assured, and competent.  In the presence of their parents they are compliant, apologetic, emotional and sometimes fearful. Often, there is a cry for help, sometimes spoken and frequently implied, ‘Please take this burden from me.’  We have been told, ‘You don’t know what he can be like.  I don’t want to see his wrath.’ We totally understand this.”

My friend, a doctor, was maddened by her parent’s disregard for her health advice. It wasn’t until they heard it from another source that they seem to find her recommendations credible and acquiesce. This part of the dynamic required that the ego stand down in order to achieve the desired result, a win-win outcome. It is deeply hurtful when we realize that we still seek approval, we know we deserve it and we are dismissed as if we were still a child.

Battles 

I had trouble finding the words to describe the interaction between Dad and I. What was it called when I was “preventing” him from doing something? Dad and I were not collaborating on helping him stay safely independent. I was insisting and restricting and he was resisting. It was not parenting or disciplining, so what was it? A battle for control? Possibly, but I lost the crusade before it started when I approached with the intent of taking control. While I picked my battles carefully, in the early days I pushed through many of these with willpower and force rather than skill.

Right or wrong, these are the hills I chose to take over the years:

Ego

David Burns author of Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work uses cognitive interpersonal therapy to help people get along better. In a podcast, the author said that in therapy settings he found that the majority of people didn’t truly want to get along. The conflict served them more than harmony. I paused the podcast and tried to wrap my head around the concept. A minority I could understand, but the majority made no sense. A year later, I realized that I had been standing firm with that majority. My ego had been dominating the relationship and was determined to be right.

“The ego is the single biggest obstruction to the achievement of anything.” Richard Rose

At the lowest point, I felt like I was in a destructive marriage that I could not escape. Dad was not unique in his pursuits. I knew that his motivations made perfect sense considering his circumstances, the losses he has already experienced and his interest in remaining independent. For example, Dad no longer had a valid driver’s license, but insisted on driving and hid his car key. Potential consequences did not deter him. After months of intense conflict, the dust settled, but there were wounds and battle scars. My ego was the only winner in the end which meant that there were no real winners.

Anger

Our relationship had been unremarkable. Growing up, I felt respected. As a teenager, I battled for independence and won some, lost some. As a fiercely independent adult, sharing a roof with Dad again, regardless of the reason, was hard. He was adamant about aging in place and insisted that he did not need help. So that was that. I was angry about the arrangement and angry that he was resistant to reason.

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding. – Mahatma Gandhi

Actually, I felt a confusing blend of anxiety and anger. The anticipation of a confrontation caused angst and I felt it physically throughout my body, nerves on end. Layers of anger stacked up and filled in the gaps of our relationship that had been morphing and deteriorating into an unrecognizable new alliance. Negative energy charged our communication and doomed a positive outcome from the start.

The Solutions

Words matter

I learned to start each conversation by listening, by asking questions and being curious. I made it a point to understand Dad’s perspective and express empathy. Based on what I heard, I used words that conveyed a desire to give him control of the outcome. We slowly rebuilt our relationship and established our new roles based on respect.

“Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.” –Alan Alda

David Solie, in How to Say It to Seniors, provides much insight into why conversations can be unnecessarily controversial when we don’t understand what is behind the resistance and how our words are inciting fear and anger. This book should be required reading for all adult children of aging parents. It is a handbook of skills and simple strategies such as the effectiveness of using certain verbs over others. For example:

“How Not to Say It: ‘Dad, Dr. Smith has been following you for years. If he says it’s time to retest you, then that’s what you need to do.’ How to Say It: ‘Dad, I understand your desire to control the number of tests you take. You may change your mind in a few days, and whenever you give us the go-ahead, we’ll direct the doctor to schedule the tests he says you need.'”

Another strategy is to be curious:

“How Not to Say It: ‘What do you mean you don’t want to go? I went through a lot of trouble to get these tickets.’ How to Say It: ‘You seem hesitant about using these tickets. Why?'”

This is a handbook to win-win.

Boundaries

We had boundaries in place without much thought or effort prior to acquiring these new roles. Saying no to Dad, no matter how positive I phrased it, felt disobedient. It brought up feelings similar to those I remembered when I disappointed, failed to please or failed to be “good enough”. It felt like I had time traveled and was back in that rebellious teenage stage. The day to day dynamic was affecting my confidence and my emotional health.

Debra Hallisey in Your Caregiver Relationship Contract, offers advice and strategies on how to change your relationship contract with the family member you are caring for. Debra describes how a relationship contract is made up of unwritten emotional rules. It is no wonder it is so complicated to change our roles and responsibilities. Rewriting the relationship contract through conversation and redefining roles will create new healthy boundaries that fit an evolving relationship.

“You get what you tolerate.” – Henry Cloud

I learned that establishing and maintaining boundaries was empowering and led to win-win outcomes. For example, early in my caregiving experience Dad refused outside help, but let me take on more than I could comfortably manage. As I did more and more, I became resentful and angry. After much practice, I internalized the philosophy that we may not be able to change the circumstances, but we can choose how we respond. We agreed that he may not need help, but I did. When we both accepted that help was needed, we were able to create a new contract.

We redefined our relationship and our boundaries. Boundaries and mindfulness go hand in hand like two people in a peaceful relationship. According to Roy Remer with the Zen Caregiving Project, “Cultivating mindfulness gives us the opportunity to recognize when a boundary is crossed.” It matters little which you cultivate first. Both will be key getting to win-win.

Mindfulness

I worked through the anger and no longer felt all the nerves come to attention when Dad and I had differing ideas about the way forward. I embraced the journey and with a new focus on mindfulness, embraced the challenges as opportunities to grow. Mindfulness was the space between my reaction and action. It helped me not only identify the crossed boundary, but gave me time to take a break and choose the right words. Mindfulness helped me focus and visualize what a win-win outcome might look like in each situation. Begin with the end in mind, became the mantra that has guided our united path forward.

“To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you’re going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always in the right direction.”
— Stephen R. Covey

COVID19

COVID-19 and our plan to keep Dad safe tested my progress. Dad demanded he get a physical, go to the eye doctor, go to the drug store. Joe and I had implemented our own restrictions prior to county implementation and well prior to the state mandate that we shelter in place. Dad watched the news, was well aware of the concern and promptly forgot it when he wanted something. He was angry. He said several things that were unkind and accused us of being ridiculously fearful while he chose not to live in fear.

A friend suggested that we just tell him, “No.” It seemed so simple. It made me smile and realize how far I had come. Instead, I chose the words and repeated them as often needed until we had a new contract with new boundaries that would keep us all safe. Funny story, Dad went out for a walk with his rolling walker and immediately upon returning, the phone rang. It was a recording from the county reminding us to shelter in place. Dad thought he was in trouble, that he had gotten caught going outside and said he was not going to take walks anymore. We were walking with him on the golf course and two folks approached and took a wide berth. Dad said warningly, yet jokingly, “Six feet.” The new contract was signed.

At the end of the day, Dad is free to make his own decisions. There may be consequences that impact the whole family, and at that point we’ll deal with that new reality.

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.