“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there. Or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It’s a split that tears you apart inside.”
Eckhart Tolle
Among the biggest obstacles to feeling at peace while caring for a family member can come from our resistance to the role of caregiving. Caring for a family member is not something we likely factored into our future. It is disorienting to think that we have taken a wrong turn in life’s journey. The reality that our plans must be sidelined for an unknown period can be challenging to accept, leading to resentment and anger.
It’s essential to embrace our journey because acceptance brings relief, whereas resistance causes stress. It is empowering to know that we are on the right path and exactly where we are supposed to be.
We Resist Our Path
Despite this truth, we resist. We resist because it’s not fair. We believe that our circumstances are unjust, and acceptance can feel like giving in to the unfairness. Another reason we resist is that we feel shame for trying and failing, so we stop trying to embrace the role. While we might understand the concept of acceptance, hear the words, and know what they mean, acceptance can be elusive.
Chasing elusive acceptance can put us in a state of constant low-level anxiety because it can feel like repeated failure to reach an ideal that we will never attain. Instead, we chase control, not realizing that control cannot be caught unless released. Resistance can feel easier than absorbing the sting of one more defeat.
Fear also creates a barrier to acceptance. Letting go of our resistance means letting go of the expectation that we are entitled to live life on our terms. It can feel like we are giving up the controls to our life, which is terrifying.
Resistance is Painful
More layers of shame add to the perfect storm of emotions. Shame, often called guilt, enters the emotional equation again when we are torn between our feelings of responsibility and our desire to have the life we imagined. This dissonance causes us to question whether we are a good person.
Eckhart Tolle said that we are aligned with the energy in the universe only when we are in one of three modalities – acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm. He says that we create suffering for ourselves and others without this alignment. When we constantly feel as if we are not fulfilling our life’s mission, frustration dominates our thoughts and darkens our days.
We accept the good times without question, so why not accept the more challenging episodes? What if we let go of the expectation that we are entitled, entitled to happiness, entitled to live a life entirely on our terms. Acceptance leads us to not only realize that everything in life can’t be fixed but acknowledge that it was never broken.
Align Your Paths
We can acknowledge that the transition to acceptance is active rather than passive and it can also be painful. When we accept that we have not made a wrong turn, we may need time to grieve the hopes we had for the future. It is vital to sit with the grief and lean into the negative thoughts and emotions to experience the shift and align ourselves with our present.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell
With desire and awareness, you can flip the script from “I have to be a caregiver” to “I get to be a caregiver.” As a result, you will be more open to what your journey reveals and offers.
Align Your Self
We each must find the way to acceptance on our terms. When our internal person feels aligned with our external path, we feel empowered to make the most of the struggles, the side trips, and the joys. In this way, embracing our journey provides endless opportunities to grow.
When we are unburdened from regrets and resentment, we begin to find gratitude and other gifts in the experience. This shift positively impacts the entire experience and shines a new light on the journey and the path forward. Our new perspective allows us to work magic and turn obstacles into opportunities.
Embrace your Present
Embracing the caregiving role and all it entails is the first of many acceptance opportunities that can reduce stress. In addition to accepting the situation, the path to complete acceptance includes accepting the emotions, accepting help, accepting forgiveness, accepting loss, and accepting that winning is not always winning.
Journal or reflect on these points that can help you make the shift and help you reclaim your path:
- Is there an aspect of caregiving that you resent or resist? What would happen if you accepted rather than resisted?
- If you genuinely believed that your current situation is exactly as it is supposed to be, what would you do differently?
- Reflect on this quote by Eckhart Tolle and how it might apply to your thoughts surrounding caregiving. “Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there. Or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It’s a split that tears you apart inside.”
- Do you feel suffering when you are not aligned with acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm?
- When you feel yourself railing against reality, notice the source of the resistance. Note the thoughts in your journal and explore the reasons behind the resistance.
Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast. Begin to build your personal Sustainable Caregiving foundation.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.