“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It’s a split that tears you apart inside.”
Eckhart Tolle
Caregiving is a trigger minefield. The awareness we cultivate through mindfulness helps us avoid the triggers and disarm the mines. This is challenging because we have more than 6,000 thoughts in a single day! How many of those 6,000 thoughts do you imagine are positive? Negative? Repetitive? When we are mindful, we can be present and avoid the stress we experience when we ruminate on the past or worry about the future. Most of us didn’t plan to be in the caregiving role, and our plans may have been put on hold. Along with the worries about our family member and their health and well-being, we are often worried about our well-being and our future.
What is Caregiver Mindfulness
For our purposes, mindfulness is a tool that allows us to gain control over the worries, those 6000 thoughts, by focusing on the present. When we practice being in a state of consciousness where we are present and aware of our thoughts, body, and emotions, we train our mind to release the worry about the past or future. When we are present and focused on the task at hand, our mind is not wandering and anxiously trying to solve the unsolvable. With practice, we can use this hyper-sensitive state of awareness to recognize when we shift from focusing on the present to ruminating on the thoughts that fuel the turbulent emotions. Consistent mindfulness practice cultivates awareness. The word cultivate is perfect in this context. It means we are growing this skill, this ability.
We can pause and rewrite the story
During a stressful moment, with heightened awareness, we can pause the story and rewrite it. This pause offers the opportunity to assess what we are feeling and why. We can choose our words carefully. We can proceed with curiosity or compassion. When we act rather than react, we can control our emotions; we are fully aware of the forces at play and act with intention. Acting with intent reduces regret. This is important because reaction and regret fuel guilt and resentment, which are emotions that wear us down and lead to burnout, an unsustainable state.
We identify our fears
When we are mindful, our perspective opens, and we see and accept those distracting thoughts for what they are. The thoughts are our fears, our past experiences showing up, and the thoughts are seeds that have been planted. They all grew together, and it’s hard to tell the difference between the thoughts that will become the powerful trees and the tangled weeds. When we are mindful, we don’t resist or shut out these negative thoughts, we accept them, and in doing so, they lose their power.
Why Mindfulness is Important for Caregivers
Prevent burnout
Why is it important for caregivers to practice mindfulness? One reason, as mentioned, is to prevent burnout. When we are in a constant state of worry, stress, and overwhelm, we are not able to prioritize our well-being. Our emotional and physical health suffers. This excessive and repeated stress leads to burnout. When burned out, we are exhausted and unable to think clearly or make our best decisions.
Cultivate awareness
Another reason that practicing mindfulness is important is that it helps us cultivate awareness which brings the worries to the surface and into the light, where we can see how they hold us hostage and have power over our actions. When you have this new perspective and observe the thought that caused the worry, the connection to the emotion is broken. You can question the thought and may disagree with it before it results in a reaction or an uncomfortable feeling. You take back the power and develop the inner strength and calm that comes from having control over your thoughts. When you gain control over your thoughts, you cultivate a calm and even-tempered mind.
Gain control of our emotions
Caring for a family member involves numerous tasks and responsibilities that can quickly become intense and overwhelming. We may be in the middle of accomplishing one job, and our mind is on the many other items we need to get done. We may be multi-tasking and unable to give any endeavor adequate attention or focus. With work that revolves around family, emotions are at the center of every decision, event, and experience. In addition, our family member’s physical and mental abilities are often declining, and their personalities may also change. Negative emotions, heightened by worry about our family member and the future, affect our well-being and ability to manage care. When we are under emotional stress, we think less clearly. Our sleep suffers, and our support systems are often no longer available, partly because we are no longer available.
Make better self-care choices
When we are under extreme stress, overwhelmed, and burned out, we can feel utterly controlled by emotions. Internal and external responses can feel automatic as if we don’t have command over our reactions. We can react inwardly and outwardly to outside influences. Healthcare professionals can be insensitive. Healthcare systems can create rather than alleviate stress. Paid caregiver aides can add to our workload rather than reduce it. You may hold in frustrations and anger until you unexpectedly explode and then experience shame and regret. We can use our unjust situation as justification for decisions that are not in our best interest. We ruminate, and rather than choose a self-care activity or take a break, we make less healthy choices, which adds to feelings of being out of control and continues what feels like a downward spiral.
We act with intent
When we cultivate mindfulness, we learn how and where our bodies tense when we feel stress. This awareness helps us recognize when we are consumed by worry rather than focusing on the present. With clarity comes calm and compassion for us and others. When potential problems loom, we can mindfully shift to solution mode, bypassing the stress from fear of the outcome. Mindfulness can feel like magic, like having a superpower, allowing us to consistently act with intent rather than react in a way that inspires regret and remorse. Mindfulness simply focuses our attention on the present moment. When we become skilled at being present, we counter the effects of stress and develop strong and permanent coping skills.
Benefits of Cultivating Mindfulness
Let’s explore more benefits of cultivating mindfulness. When we focus on the present, the stress associated with ruminating on the past or worrying about the future is minimized, if not eliminated. Overwhelm, and exhaustion can cause us to say things that we may regret. In a state of overwhelm, it is hard to be compassionate for ourselves or others, and we may not be able to demonstrate the empathy we normally would. In addition to regret, our out-of-character behavior can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. Mindfulness helps us respond rather than react, reducing our feelings of regret, guilt, and shame. When we are mindful, we can observe our thoughts and emotions without letting ourselves get immersed in them so that our responses become less impulsive and reactive.
The superpower of the pause
Our family member knows our triggers. Practicing mindfulness gives us the superpower of pause. The pause between stimulus and response, action and reaction, such a small yet mighty non-action, changes the dynamic between us and our family member, allowing us to feel more in control of our words, expressive actions, and ultimately, more in control of our emotions. In caregiving, everything can feel so out of our control, so this is a big win.
Curiosity is engaged
Another benefit is that when we are nonjudgmental in our awareness, we can accept the experience with curiosity and openness. Curiosity will allow us to proceed with compassion and respect, helping us maintain relationships and minimize regret and stress. The next time you anticipate an altercation, pause and be curious. It isn’t possible to be angry and interested at the same time. Become curious as to why your care recipient is acting in a certain way. Instead of reacting, ask them a few respectful questions. For example, your family member may be stumbling and struggling in the dark rather than turning on the lights. It is understandable to react with frustration. We are thinking about all the things that can go wrong. But, if we approach the situation with a question rather than an accusation or assumption, we are more likely to reach a solution collaboratively.
Break the insist-resist cycle
Ladders become a real trigger for both us and our loved one. Our family member is used to popping up on a ladder to grab or fix something. We watch in horror as they balance precariously, knowing that one fall can change all our lives. The ladder represents independence to our family member, and we see it as the end to independence, not just theirs but ours. Meeting in the middle takes skill, patience, and presence. Being mindful helps us see all transpiring so that we manage our reaction and response in a way that doesn’t fuel the resist, insist cycle.
Self-reflection
Mindfulness also leads to self-reflection. When we reflect on our feelings and what caused them, the triggers, the fears, and the crossed boundaries, this self-observation helps us develop and strengthen our coping skills. We become more resilient. As caregivers, it is essential to set boundaries to protect our emotional and physical limits. Mindfulness and boundaries work together to support each other and our well-being. Mindfulness can help us identify when our anger is due to a crossed boundary. This awareness gives us options. For example, we can respond in a way that reflects our values. We can act rather than react, which will minimize regret.
Tune into broken boundaries
Mindfulness helps us determine when a boundary is not working. It may be too rigid or too flexible, leading us to modify or set a new boundary. Mindfulness also helps us consistently reinforce boundaries, making them more effective, and when we reinforce the boundary with compassion, we maintain the relationship.
Barriers to Cultivating Mindfulness
Now that we understand what mindfulness is, why it is important, and have explored the benefits of cultivating and practicing mindfulness, let’s look at some common barriers to achieving this state of consciousness. When caring for a family member, constant worry can become our default. It is a habit that is hard to break, and while practicing mindfulness can offer relief from the worry and help us put the worries in perspective, overwhelming worry is often the most significant barrier to practicing mindfulness. It seems unfair that the mindfulness objective is obscured under layers of mind fullness. Small steps are the key to making headway toward headspace.
Taking time to practice can feel like a luxury
Practicing mindfulness requires prioritizing time for ourselves, which can feel selfish when our family members’ needs are so great. Taking 30 minutes to meditate may feel like a luxury that will not fit into the day. We will look at ways to incorporate mindfulness practice into daily activities. As with any skill, mindfulness takes consistent practice to receive the payoff. Consistent anything is challenging while caregiving. Let’s look at various ways we can focus on the present throughout the day because practicing during less stressful activities will help you develop the ability to remain present during more challenging circumstances.
Daily Practice
Cultivating mindfulness takes practice and consistency. Fortunately, there are multiple paths to mindfulness. Mindfulness can be developed through meditation, prayer, yoga, and breathing exercises, and we can weave practice into everyday life. Before we explore meditation, let’s look at the many other daily opportunities to refocus our attention on the present moment. Incorporating moments of stillness into the day can be one of the easiest and most powerful ways to practice mindfulness. You may need to set a reminder to give the mind a break. During this break, you might focus on your breath. You could repeat a mantra or take a minute to observe your thoughts. All these actions of inaction can lead to calm and clarity.
Habit stacking
You could practice habit stacking and let another positive habit, like hydrating, trigger the next opportunity for stillness. If prayer gives you peace of mind, you could set a reminder to pause and pray. While meditation is connected with stillness, observing, and going within, prayer is associated with intentional thought, conversing, expressing gratitude, and making requests known.
Breathing Exercises
Breathing exercises are a great way to bring the mind back to the body and the present moment. If you search, you will find many breathing exercises to try.
One of the more simple and effective techniques is box breathing; all you need to remember is a four count. To begin
- Exhale completely while you count to four
- Pause while you count to four
- Inhale through your nose while you count to four
- And again, pause and hold your breath while you count to four
Repeat about four times and try doing this about four times a day.
Micro-dose Mindfulness
Many micro-mindfulness activities can be incorporated into your day. Here are a few, and the opportunities you can create are endless.
Waiting in line
In line at the check-out counter – Take a deep breath and hold it for 5 seconds. Release the breath slowly. Do this a few times and feel the tension release from your body.
At a traffic light
At a traffic light – Keep a stone or small rock within reach. Pick it up and hold it at a red light; run your fingers over it. Alternatively, notice the feel of the steering wheel, the texture, and the temperature. Or is the seat firm or soft? Again, bring your attention to the physical.
Looking out the window
Looking out the window at home – What do you see? Look at each object as if you were seeing it for the first time. Notice the shapes, colors, and movement. Practice increasing awareness without fixating on any one object.
Walking
Whether you take a walk or are just walking from the store to your vehicle – Perceive with all your senses. How many things can you see, smell, hear, feel, or taste?
Eating
When you are eating – Notice the appearance of the texture and how the food feels in your hand or tongue. Note the flavor and how different flavors interact to create layers of flavor.
Transition between activities
Use a transition between activities to bring your mind back to the present – Take the seconds between putting down your phone and picking up your coffee cup to bring awareness to the moment.
Find the opportunities and activities that work for you. Repeatedly reconnecting with the present will become more accessible, and the practice will produce incremental results. Now, let’s look at meditation as a path to mindfulness.
Meditation
Many people report struggling with meditation. It can be challenging to calm our thoughts when our minds are consumed with caregiving worries. Persistence is the key to success. Don’t give up. Keep at it when every inch of space you create fills with worry. Don’t stop the worries from entering your mind. Welcome them in, thank them for coming, and allow them to leave gently. Take the pressure off. Your practice does not have to be perfect. Showing up is enough. Learning to be present can transform the caregiving experience, and it will be worth the trauma and torture when you stay with it.
All forms of meditation have one aspect in common, sustaining attention on one thing for an extended period to achieve a state of consciousness where your mind is clear and relaxed. The benefits of mediation are many.
Studies have connected meditation practice to
- improved sleep
- lower blood pressure
- reduced reactions
- decreased anxiety and stress
- enhanced clarity
- problem-solving ability
- improved empathy and increased compassion, resulting in improved relationships
There are many reasons to stay motivated to meditate. One of the keys to consistency is to find the right meditation fit. Fortunately, the types of meditation are varied.
Guided Meditation
Some guided meditation apps such as Headspace, Calm, Chopra, and more offer an easy way to get started. YouTube is also a plentiful source of guided meditations.
Walking Meditation
You might prefer walking meditation. The instructions can be complicated and intense when you search for information on walking meditations. Instead, you may simply spend your walk as Fritz Perls recommends, “Lose your mind and come to your senses.” While walking, run through this practice – notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Or just make a conscious effort to appreciate your surroundings with your senses.
Sound-bath Meditation
Sound-bath meditation is exceptionally relaxing. You lie down, and it is okay if you fall asleep. If you don’t find in-person sessions near you, YouTube sessions are available and even easier to fit into a caregiving schedule.
Movement Meditation
Yoga and tai chi are forms of moving meditation when you remain mindful of your movement and breath throughout the practice and release the thoughts that cause distraction. It can help to set an intention at the start of practice so that you stay tuned into your body with awareness and perception that is not judging or holding expectations.
Mantra Meditation
Meditation practice often focuses on the breath, but you may prefer to focus on a repetitive sound or mantra that you repeat to yourself or out loud.
Visualization Meditation
In a visualization meditation practice, you will visualize a positive or relaxing scene or setting using all your senses.
There are more, so explore the different types of meditation and find a few that work for you. You will begin to experience the benefits and feel the transformation to a calmer, more centered self. If you are new to meditating or the idea is just too intimidating, you might consider a meditation coach who can help you get started and guide you as you develop your practice. And remember…
“You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes every day — unless you’re too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.”
A Zen Proverb
Get Started
Reflect
To get started practicing mindfulness, you might reflect on another quote by Eckhart Tolle, “Most humans are never fully present in the now because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” How does this quote resonate with you regarding caregiving? You might consider the statement, “Our power is in the present.” Think about how it relates to your current caregiving journey.
Journal
We discussed several mindfulness practices, and you might journal about those that resonate and make a plan to try one of them. You could journal how mindfulness and boundaries could work together to reduce stress.
Practice
To practice some of what we discussed, you could commit to incorporating one mindfulness practice each day. It may be a 10-minute meditation, using curiosity to pause the moment, a breathing exercise to calm the nerves or another strategy that allows you to experience stillness. Another way to apply what we covered, as negative thoughts enter your mind during meditation or throughout the day, label them. You might choose the label fear, ego, grudge, regret, worry, and then let the thought go, no judgment.
When your mind wanders, bring your focus back to the present by taking a few deep breaths. You can also center yourself in the present moment by focusing on your heart. You might place your hand on your heart while inhaling deeply and releasing all stress and tension.
For more information on mindfulness and caregiving, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.