When we go out of town, Dad goes a bit wild. He plays his big band music and Frank Sinatra at ear drum shattering levels. He takes his golf cart out on joy rides. He uses DART to go doctor hopping, forever in search of the magic pill. I know I should have more empathy. I don’t block his efforts, I just don’t participate. That advice was given to me by a therapist. Pick your battles. Dad knows that I disapprove of his quest for the fountain of youth and limits his expeditions to times when I am out of town. He is much more productive when I am away during the week rather than on the weekend, doctor’s hours. No amount of reasoning will deter him. There will always be people out there to take his money knowing that they are not able to solve his problems. Maybe they think that by giving him hope, they are doing him a service. Maybe they are right.
Dad doesn’t understand that just because the insurance will pay for every doctor’s visit that the visits are not free. We have a $500, unusable knee brace that was “free”, completely covered by insurance. I can’t help him support this broken system and with clarity, he wouldn’t participate either. The phone calls, the print and tv advertisements are well designed to offer the solution to whatever ails you. Dad calls the phone numbers that offer the chance to live to 100. He will be 98 next month; he could write the book. The only thing that these pills can do is possibly cause a drug interaction that will lessen his chances to become a centenarian, but he can’t fathom that anyone would make false accusations to make money. That does not compute with him and he is willing to take the risk.
His objectives list while we are away includes: new eyeglasses, more magnifiers, a new back stiffness solution, restless legs cure, different sleeping pill option and more. So many solutions have been offered, tried and rejected before given a proper chance. When they are offered again, it is new information and the cycle continues. While a bit maddening, all of that is manageable. I stay peripherally aware until I need to get involved. When he goes too far, such as to a pain management clinic or lies about his pain level to be eligible for injections for which he otherwise does not qualify, I intervene.
My lack of initial support reduced his recent efforts, but he doubles down when I leave. I know he’s plotting and planning when he asks for a phone book. Each time we reply, “They don’t print them anymore, everything is online now.” I’m not a fan of lying and not a fan of controlling, but am trying to keep him safe and sometimes that means safe from his own judgement and safe from doctors who don’t have the same level of concern for his well-being. His knee replacement surgeon’s post-op orders resulted in Dad being extremely overmedicated and I was beyond furious. During a heated conversation, the surgeon said, “I have thousands of patients who…” I stopped him and said, “You may have thousands of patients, but I have one Dad and…” I actually believe that this surgeon cared, but at 96, while Dad survived the surgery, he almost didn’t survive the doctors orders that followed. We have encountered far too many professionals who have taken Dad’s money, actually the insurance company’s money, knowing that the solution offered was not a good fit. When I have stepped into Dad’s rabbit holes, it was obvious if I was perceived by the staff as a partner in Dad’s care or an interference. When I was treated as an obstacle, red flags appeared and each time they were warranted. It is a dance and I’m never sure who is leading, but will continue to be a partner and attempt to balance his safety and autonomy.
Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
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Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.