Caring for a family member can be both rewarding and challenging, but it’s essential to recognize when we need help and not hesitate to ask for it. Caregivers face turbulent emotions such as guilt, grief, and feelings of inadequacy. We often find ourselves overwhelmed, trying to manage everything alone, and before we know it, we’re drowning in responsibilities and emotions. Accepting help can sometimes feel like a sign of weakness or failure, but in reality, it’s a sign of strength and wisdom. Accepting help frees up time for self-care, and it is essential to prioritize caregiver well-being, but time and energy are limited. Setting boundaries and communicating limits to family, friends, and even care recipients to avoid burnout and maintain a healthy balance is crucial, but there is a learning curve, and these conversations can be uncomfortable. In addition, there are more obstacles to accepting help.
Recognize the Hurdles
Many thoughts might hinder us from accepting help:
Feeling Indispensable – We might think that we’re the only ones capable of accomplishing all the tasks and chores.
Underestimating Tasks – We might downplay the difficulty of the responsibilities we have.
Fear of Judgment – Concerns about what others might think of us if we ask for help.
Resistance from the Care Recipient – Our loved ones might resist outside help, making us reluctant to push the issue.
Time Management: Fearing that it will take more time to find someone to help than doing the tasks ourselves.
All these thoughts are valid, and yes, we may be able to manage it all, but not without consequences. Over time, trying to handle everything on our own can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and strained relationships with both our care recipient and others in our support system.
Navigate the Challenges
Care recipient resistance
It’s essential to find the right help and build a supportive care team. However, this can be easier said than done. Sometimes, care recipients might resist the idea of having someone else assist them. In such cases, open communication is key. Let them know that while they may not feel they need help, you do, and finding the right match between the caregiver and care recipient can make all the difference. Building trust and addressing care recipient concerns can lead to a more receptive attitude towards accepting help.
If your family member’s resistance is still a challenge, you might appeal to their concern for your well-being. Share that you need help helping them. Letting them know that the aide is there to help you may smooth the transition from you doing all of the work to sharing the load.
Loneliness and Isolation
We can withdraw into our situation and not feel ready to reach out for help. The caregiving journey can be lonely, as friends and family might distance themselves when things get tough. We may be so focused on keeping everything afloat that we don’t realize we’re drifting away from the people who used to be there for us. Feelings of resentment, anger, and guilt can fill the void left by those who’ve stepped back. Support and understanding can be found from unexpected sources, such as online communities, social media groups, or local meetups for caregivers. When we connect with fellow family caregivers, feel heard and understood, and feelings of isolation and loneliness are reduced, it is like grabbing onto a lifeline and buoy.
The worries
We can be so overwhelmed with worry that we don’t have the energy to find sources of help. Accepting help and lightening the caregiving load will free up some of your time to plan for the inevitable and unexpected events. Alternatively, you may be thinking that your workload is manageable now. Maybe a crisis has passed, and things have settled. When the waters are calm, we can feel in control and wonder what we were worried about, we’ve got this, and then we hit the rapids again, or a boulder appears out of nowhere, and we are upside down. Planning and preparing for the future will both help you put your worries aside and better navigate the challenges to come.
Create a Supportive Care Team
Building a care team starts with reaching out to friends, family, and community resources. Having folks become a part of your care team and help you care for your family member will allow you time to focus on your well-being. This is so important to avoid resentment and getting burned out, so while it may feel like an overwhelming step, stay focused on the goal of keeping the caregiving load as light as possible. it will be worth it!
Family and Friends
Finding the right help is the first step to keeping a life while caregiving. Identify what help would be helpful and then begin the process of matching the perfect person or service to the task or activity. This is an opportunity for a triple win; You are less stressed, your loved one spends time with someone new as well as benefiting from the less stressed you, and your new crew member receives the gift of gratitude that comes from helping. Start by reconnecting with those who searched for higher ground and ask them if they would help with grocery shopping, cooking, lawn maintenance, housekeeping, doctor appointments, and managing finances. What else? Think about each person’s talents and be specific in your request for help. Collect “no’s” and keep going until you hit a “yes.”
Finding family and friends who are willing to help might require letting go of anger and resentment. Remember that they might genuinely want to assist but don’t know how. Keep a list of tasks that aren’t urgent, so when someone offers help, you can suggest something specific. Sometimes, having an old friend or acquaintance spend time with the care recipient can be refreshing for both parties. Feel and release frustration. Not everyone has the emotional abilities to be a part of your crew. The more time you spend angry is more time you take away from yourself.
Community Support
Community agencies, like the local Area Agency on Aging, can provide valuable information and resources. Day centers can offer a break for the care recipient and an opportunity for them to engage with others. Disease-specific agencies can be excellent resources for support and information.
You might consider grocery delivery, alternative transportation options, a pharmacy that pre-packs medicines, community programs and services, or an app that will help you organize your delegated tasks. Get creative in your quest to lighten your caregiving load.
Legal and Financial Help
A supportive care team includes adding professionals who can help with legal and financial considerations, such as power of attorney, advance directives, and long-term care planning. Locate an elder law attorney near you by searching on the National Academy of Elder Law Attorney website or asking contacts for a referral.
Hire a Home Care Agency
Understand the assistance provided
Home care agencies provide personal care services, including help with Activities of Daily Living known as ADLs. These are non-medical services and are considered foundational to independent living. They include dressing, bathing, toileting, eating, and moving from one spot to another. Aides from these agencies may assist with light housekeeping.
Homemaker aides are also available through home care agencies and provide help with Instrumental Activities of Daily Living known as IADLs. These are non-medical activities, important to independent living, but not critical, and include light housekeeping, preparing meals, grocery shopping, running errands, laundry, companionship, and medication reminders.
Home care nurse services may include administering medication and injections, monitoring vital signs, wound care, and other medical therapies.
Find the right agency
While hiring an agency or private aide may seem overwhelming, it can lead to more effective care management. Agencies offer trained staff, insurance coverage, background checks, and replacements for unavailable aides. It’s vital to research the agencies in your area and find the one that best matches your needs and the care recipient’s personality. Selecting the right agency that will help you match your family member with a compatible aide can be crucial, as a positive connection can make your care recipient more open to receiving help. Here are some considerations when choosing an agency:
- List the services that you need. Think about the conversation and possible questions as you begin to prepare for the meeting or phone conversation with an agency representative or private hire candidate.
- Would like transportation to be included in the services, and if so, whose vehicle would be used, the aide’s or your family member’s vehicle?
- Will your family member require help with ADLs or more companionship-type services?
- Will the agency work with you on matching an aide who is a good fit with your situation both for needs and personality?
- What training is provided for the staff?
- What background checks are conducted prior to hiring?
- Will pet care be included?
Home Health vs Home Care
Caring for a family member involves a big learning curve. One of the challenges is to learn new terms and acronyms. When you are at the point of receiving help caring for your family member, the choices and options can be confusing, and it’s important to understand the difference between home health care and home care. Home health care provides skilled services typically following hospitalization or injury, while home care focuses on non-medical tasks and personal care.
Private hire aide
Home care agencies are everywhere across the US and may not be an option in your area. Whether you work with an agency or private hire aides, it can be helpful to assess your needs to find the right fit for you and your family member.
Embrace Respite and Prioritize Self-Care
Respite care can provide a much-needed break, even for short periods. Who can spend time with your family member so that you can spend time taking care of yourself? Adult day centers offer short-term respite opportunities. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging to find a day center in your area. Visit and determine if it will be a good fit. Coordinate a trial visit and let your family member meet the staff and attendees. Skilled nursing and assisted living facilities often offer longer-term respite options. Planning for respite care in advance can help ensure that you have a support system in place when you need a break.
And then, the important part, is how you will use the time gained for self-care. What activities give you energy or create calm? What are your passions, and how can you stay connected to them while caring for your family member? How can you break self-care activities into 5-, 10- or 15-minute blocks and micro-dose them throughout the day? Self-care is not selfish but necessary for caregiver well-being. Identify activities that energize and calm you. Find ways to incorporate them into your day, even in small doses. This will make a significant difference.
Get Started
Reflect
What are some reasons that you have resisted sharing caregiving tasks? What caregiving tasks are you currently performing that could be delegated?
Journal
Journaling is a powerful tool to help us grow and transform. Eckhart Tolle proposed that we are aligned with the energy in the universe only when we are in one of three modalities – acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm. Do you feel aligned with acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm? You might journal how a lack of connection to these modes could create suffering for you as a caregiver. If you applied the concept of amor fati, or loving your fate, to caregiving, how would it change your experience?
Practice
To put all of this into practice and embrace your journey, begin to look for the gifts that you are receiving from the experience. The word souvenir means memory in French. As you find the gifts, you can also collect beautiful souvenirs from your caregiving journey.
Accepting help and building a supportive care team is essential for caregivers to maintain their well-being and provide the best care for their loved ones. By embracing assistance and using the bonus time for self-care, caregivers can navigate the challenges of caregiving with greater ease and find fulfillment in their caregiving journey. Remember, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help; it’s a sign of strength and an acknowledgment that you deserve support too.
For more information on accepting and receiving caregiving help, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast. In-person and virtual Caregiving Presentations & Workshops empower caregivers to navigate the caregiving experience!
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.