“By far the best way to prevent a tug-of-war is to not pick up your end of the rope.”
Don Lancaster
So much of our caregiving experience feels out of control, which is stressful. Caregiving conflicts can be unsettling. We have been plopped back into the nest, and our inner child has emerged to go into battle. The subject of the disagreement may seem minor such as how to use the microwave or major such as unsafe driving or mishandling medication which can cause battles of epic proportions. Our concern for safety can be perceived as a threat to independence. When we let go of outcomes, we reimagine what control looks like so we can better navigate conflicts, minimize stress, and maintain relationships. Let’s explore how to let go of the rope.
What is conflict?
To minimize conflict, it can help to understand what conflict is and isn’t. Conflict is a “mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands.[1]” At its core, conflict is neither good nor bad. The likelihood of an adverse outcome is dependent on our emotional investment. How we manage conflict can keep it from negatively impacting our relationships and well-being. Conflict is inevitable. It would be unrealistic to think that we could avoid conflict in caregiving. It is unavoidable because of the nature of familial relationships and the heightened emotions present when caring for our family member. We aren’t parenting our parent or spouse, but the relationships have changed, and both caregiver and care receiver are at a low point in their life, creating an opportunity for the perfect storm.
Conflict is
Conflict is a perception. For example, we may be deep in conflict with our care recipient only to discover that the conflict is one-sided. We aren’t sharing the conflict if our family member does not perceive our interaction as a conflict. Our family member made a decision, and we can go along with it or choose not to, no conflict. From our perspective, however, there was a disagreement about how to proceed, and our input was not considered. This falls under the conflict category when we consider that conflict is a disagreement that causes friction, friction caused because one of the parties involved feels unheard or feels that their viewpoint will not be considered in the final outcome.
Conflict isn’t
Conflict isn’t a competition. A competition requires that the competing parties are pursuing the same outcome. One party will win, and one will lose. A conflict isn’t a disagreement that includes closure; a conflict doesn’t exist if there is a disagreement and then a resolution. If we aren’t dwelling on the incident or discussion, there may have been a disagreement, but there is no conflict.
What Causes Conflict?
Now that we know what conflict is and isn’t let’s look at what causes conflict in caregiving. Conflict is caused by opposing views. Sensitivity to conflict varies from person to person, and a segment of folks thrive on conflict. Safety vs. dignity and independence is often at the root of conflicts in caregiving. Fear and concern are closely connected, and many conflicts in caregiving happen because we care.
For example, what if our loved one refuses to eat what we consider healthy foods? We are concerned about their well-being. We insist that this choice is better than that choice, and it might be. You reach an agreement and feel that you have been heard and validated, only to begin the dance again the next day.
We can tell ourselves to let it go and that this is not important in the bigger scheme of things. But it may still eat away at us. Our sense of self is challenged. We defend our position. This exchange may play out over and over each day with different issues. As mentioned, some of the more traumatic topics include medication management, unsafe driving, and other dangerous behavior, such as getting on ladders.
A lack of empathy
A lack of empathy can result in conflict. Empathy can help us recognize the many losses our family member has already experienced. Losses that include not only people but abilities and passions. When we look at the conflict from the other person’s point of view, we can manage our part of the discussion differently and possibly let go of some of our motivation to control the outcome. When we experience frequent disagreements with our family member, we risk losing our ability to empathize and show compassion. Then, we feel shame and guilt because we are not relating better. Our ego is further damaged by the guilt and the disappointment in our ability to manage interactions more productively, more peacefully. Resentment follows, and anger tags along for the ride. This feedback loop of emotions can be blocked when we recognize the role of our ego in the dynamic.
Ego
Our ego can cause conflict. You and your parent may have had a rewarding and validating adult relationship. As you begin to offer advice and suggestions regarding their future, you no longer feel as if you are respected. You offer advice, and it is rejected, leaving you feeling frustrated. It is deeply hurtful when we realize that we still seek approval. We know we deserve it and feel dismissed as if we were still a child. The ego must stand down to achieve the desired result, a win-win outcome. Awareness that we cultivate through mindfulness activities will alert us when our ego may have been triggered. Mindfulness will help us remain calm during these tense moments.
An adult child is still a child
Have you ever had your parent tell you about great advice given by a stranger when you have been offering this advice repeatedly for months? What if you were a doctor and your parent told you about the wonderful advice from a neighbor, the same advice you had shared many times only to be met with indifference or an attitude of dismissal? It happens. All the time.
It is easy to see how our ego gets bruised. We are all grown up now, and others look to us for advice. We may hold positions of responsibility, so why wouldn’t we expect our parents to see us in our new grown-up outfit, making important decisions? While they may be proud of us and marvel at all that we have accomplished, they have been taking care of themselves quite well without our help, and we, after all, had been taken care of by them. That is a dynamic that is hard to flip.
Conflict preferred to harmony
David Burns, author of Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work, uses cognitive, interpersonal therapy to help people get along better. In a podcast, the author said that in therapy settings, he found that the majority of people didn’t truly want to get along. The conflict served them more than harmony. When our ego dominates the relationship and is determined to be right, the ego is the only winner in the end. In other words, there are no real winners.
Tripped triggers
Caregiving is a trigger minefield, and tripped triggers cause conflict. Our parent’s opinion of us matters. It can be triggering if we don’t feel suitably seen or given the credit we feel we deserve. What if we never believed we received enough recognition from our parent, and now after decades of feeling competent, we face feelings of inadequacy? Or, what if we thought we had this part of our growth figured out? You and your parent related well as adults expressed mutual respect, and meant it. Now, suddenly, your opinion is questioned. Ryan Holiday, the author of Ego is the Enemy, said, “Ego adds injury to every injury you experience.”
Love is egoless
The resistance to your advice may be caused by cognitive decline. Resistance may be a reaction from our parent feeling controlled, or fearing more loss, losing independence. Regardless of our parent’s motivation, our inner Child feels called out, and it stings. When we respond from the Child state, we respond from a place of fear rather than love. Love is egoless. What if we looked at our relationships and altercations and took some of the responsibility, not the blame or the shame, but recognized where we could change the dynamic by altering our investment in ego? We can each find our path to this place that is free from ego. We can care without expectations.
Name it, and you can train it
When we become aware that our ego is gearing up for a skirmish, we can simply say “ego” to ourselves as soon as we recognize that thought has an ego component. Swiftly labeling the fleeting thought takes the wind from its sails, and the thought will drift away. The second strategy to tame this part of our personality is to name her. For example, you might choose a name like Trouble and even create an image and character of a puppy that acts out because she isn’t getting attention. Trouble is a sweet puppy that simply needs to be trained.
The Cost of Conflict
As the frequency of conflict increases, the cost of conflict increases. What is the cost, the consequence, of conflict? One of the costs of frequent conflict is a negative impact on our emotional health, and the tension in our body is a clear indicator that our mind and body are in distress. Conflict inspires worry and ruminating. In this mental state, our confidence and decision-making abilities are weakened, and we can suffer from anxiety and depression. The conflict may spill over into other relationships, causing us to feel isolated and lonely.
When we are in conflict, we are in fight or flight mode, and the stress caused by constant conflict manifests in ailments and diseases that can significantly affect our physical health. Chronic pain, high blood pressure, weakened immune system, and gastrointestinal troubles are just some of the adverse effects of repetitive conflict.
While conflict is normal in relationships, if we cannot come to resolutions, our relationships suffer. Frequent conflicts undermine trust, a critical component of a healthy relationship. Frequent conflict causes resentment. Resentment damages relationships, and a damaged relationship leads to regret. When we forgive, we release guilt and resentment. We are no longer defined by the wrongs that have been committed. Our time and efforts are directed toward growth. Our present is peaceful. We can look back and know that our actions reflected our true self, our heart. Relief and contentment rather than regret will be in the reflection.
Minimize Conflict with Awareness
If only we had a crystal ball to predict the future, we could prepare for and minimize conflict. In lieu of a crystal ball, we can read the water and scout for trouble ahead. We can predict the future based on the current and anticipate what might be around the next bend. Heightened awareness can help us recognize and heed warning signs. Reading the water is a skill we can develop. In a river, when the water begins to get a little choppy, we might soon be navigating rough water.
For example, repeated falls can be a signal that we need to adjust the home environment, possibly adjust medication, or prepare for a more serious incident. When we have some idea of the hurdles we may face in the future, we can research to locate resources or information that will help us navigate the challenges with as little conflict as possible. Research and preparation won’t eliminate conflict but can reduce the friction.
We can prepare for the shift in the current. When we recognize that we are headed for a turbulent section of the journey, we can acknowledge that going with the flow and choosing to accept compromise and alternative solutions, when possible, can help us navigate the rough water and obstacles more skillfully and, in doing so, minimize conflict. With awareness, we have the opportunity to align our actions with our values, and we are more likely to reach a win-win outcome.
The power of the pause
Another way to minimize conflict is to use the power of the pause. We can be confounded by what appears to be a lack of logic when our family member demonstrates risky behavior, such as getting on ladders. If we look at the motivation behind the behavior and choose to respond with curiosity rather than a strong reaction, we can resolve the safety concern in a way that allows our family member to maintain their dignity.
A “what were you thinking” approach, and yes, you absolutely have the right to those thoughts and to that reaction, but is it really going to serve you at the end of the day, to react strongly? Awareness helps us identify that fear is driving our response. And when our reaction is met with resistance, as we said earlier, our ego joins the conversation. When we take a second to pause, we can act rather than react. We can rewrite the script.
Expel the ego
Fear, ego, and anger are closely connected. When fear and ego join the discussion, our choice of words, specifically verbs, may not contribute to a productive conversation. We can begin to choose our words and our verbs more carefully. The verbs that give control back to our family member can help us reach agreement. Verbs such as manage, control, and choose can be triggering when used in the wrong way and empowering when used in a way that shows you understand and empathize with your family member. Let your family member know they are still in control, managing their affairs and making choices that direct their life. You may be there guiding the efforts, but it is their right, and need to be “in control.”
Choose words wisely
An example of how Not to Say It: “Dad, your pillbox is a mess. Some daily pills are missing, and others are added twice. It’s time for me to take over your medicines.”
A better way to Say It: “Dad, I understand that mistakes are going to happen. How can I help you so that you can continue to manage your medications? Think about it and let me know what ideas you have.”
Create space
This response creates space between discovering that your family member has missed taking medicines and your reaction. It allows them to maintain dignity and allows them an opportunity to be involved in the solution. The goal is that when you revisit the subject and listen to the suggestions, you will be seen as a collaborator rather than someone trying to take control. You may agree to try one of your care recipient’s suggestions or have a few ideas of your own to offer. David Solie’s book, “How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders,[2]” offers so much guidance on this topic and more. If you are caring for an aging family member, it is a must-read.
Dignity of Risk
This is a good time to introduce the concept of Dignity of risk. It is the concept that everyone is entitled to choices involving risk. Our family members’ motives are inspired by dignity, independence, and a desire for control. Our motives are inspired by protection and fear for their safety. If we can replace our resistance with curiosity, we can begin to uncover what drives the desires, and since we can’t be angry and curious at the same time, fear and ego are removed from the conversation.
Caring for a family member is challenging. It is easy to get caught up in the conflict and feel like we are in a competition with a winner and a loser. We can all win when we play the game with intention and compassion. When we accept that our care recipient is an adult, free to make their own decisions, we deflate the built-up pressure and the stress from the conflicts. We can also accept that certain choices may produce consequences that impact the whole family, and know, at that point, we will deal with that new reality.
We could discuss another concept, the “illusion of independence or autonomy,” at length. There are certainly pros and cons to our family member’s belief that they are independent despite assistance provided, but helping your loved one maintain control, even if it is a perception of control, will help them complete their journey with dignity and can help you reframe what control looks like for you.
Reframe Conflict and Control
Let’s shift to what it looks like to reframe conflict. Not feeling in control can be a powerful trigger. The tighter we hold on, the more control we relinquish. Exposing the triggers takes away their power. Awareness sheds light on the cause of an overreaction or unnecessary confrontation. Sustainability in caregiving is only possible when we minimize conflict. Accepting and reframing our reality are firmly within our control. How do we do that? Steven Covey’s second habit of highly effective people is to begin with the end in mind.[3]
When we acknowledge that we are all on a journey to a common destination, end-of-life, and we are helping our family member who is further along on that journey, we can use this perspective to determine our overall objectives so that we keep the big picture in mind. We can align our actions with our values. With the larger view in mind, we can assess our actions and interactions and ask, does this lead to our overall objectives? Our new role, which, as we said, is not a parenting role, requires a new perspective, including understanding when winning is losing, which is the key to reframing conflict.
Define Caregiving Journey Objectives
Focusing on our goals and objective can help the conversations flow in less combative, more collaborative, productive, and sustainable, win/win directions. You and your family member may be on differing paths, but walking the paths no longer feels like marching into battle when you realize your shared objectives. You are on the same team working toward the same outcome.
Possible objectives of a caregiving journey might be finding happiness in the present moment to maximize memories and minimize regret. An objective may be that your care recipient experiences peace and feels supported. Or your goal may be to honor your family member’s wish to age in place for as long as possible while helping them maintain their independence and dignity. Or to help them thrive in an assisted living residence or be comfortable in a nursing home. An objective could be to prioritize the health and well-being of you, the caregiver, and your family member receiving care so that all come through the experience healthy and whole.
When Winning is Losing
When we battle over outcomes, we may win the battle, but at what cost? To sustain our ability to provide care, we may need to make an internal shift in our thinking. Many “disagreeable” decisions that our care recipients make could indeed have repercussions for the entire family. We can accept that this goes along with the caregiving territory. Safety vs. independence can lead to the most epic battles and leave a path of destruction that takes ages to clear.
Look at where your resistance and reactions may be the source of the conflict. I propose that it is better to shed the battle armor. When we begin to see more clearly that winning an argument is losing our relationship, we can reframe the dispute by letting go of expectations and perceived control over outcomes. When we shed the battle armor, we accept that multiple paths lead to the same destination. We calculate the cost of winning vs. the cost of losing in the big picture, and more frequently, we see when winning is losing. And as we said, the reality is that the tighter we hold on to outcomes, the more control we relinquish.
We Can All Win
We may be convinced that we are right, and we may be right. Does it matter if our being right causes a conflict that results in one more chip in the relationship? We might win by making our point. But, again, at what cost? Does winning this battle help you achieve your objectives, or does it derail your momentum? Ask yourself if you are willing to die on whatever hill the battle is being fought on that day. These micro acts of acceptance, of letting go of outcomes, will lead to the breakthrough that will win the war.
If every time life presents a caregiving challenge, we treat it as a competition with a winner and a loser, there are no winners. However, we all win when we fulfill our role with intention and compassion. Winning requires defining our intention and goals so that we remain focused on the ultimate objective, a meaningful journey.
Get Started
Reflect
To get started with this strategy and let go of outcomes to minimize conflict. Think about your big-picture objectives. Now, think of the last conflict with your family member. Did winning this battle help you achieve your objectives, or did it derail your momentum toward your objectives? What might you have done differently to achieve a win-win outcome?
Journal
In your journal, write out your caregiving journey objectives. Journal how you might be wrestling for control and derailing your journey. What would happen if you shed the battle armor? How would it feel to no longer experience stress over the battles? Write a few of those thoughts in your journal.
Practice
To begin practicing and reframing conflict, the next time a dispute arises, take a minute before reacting. Think about your journey objectives. Think about the significance of this conflict in the scope of the journey.
Keep those empowering verbs written on a cheat sheet nearby or your hand, like when you were a kid and needed to record that phone number and use them to help your family member feel more in control of their experience. And remember, “You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to,” author unknown.
For more information on minimizing conflict in caregiving, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.
[1] Where There are People, There is Conflict – Project Management Articles …. https://www.projecttimes.com/articles/where-there-are-people-there-is-conflict/
[2] How to Say It® to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders. https://books.google.com/books/about/How_to_Say_it_to_Seniors.html?id=tJRgrVKQ7aMC
[3] 76 Great Creativity Quotes to Inspire You at Work – team building. https://teambuilding.com/blog/creativity-quotes