When we feel like we are drowning from caregiving’s constant stressors, the overwhelm can cause us to sink into the depths of despair. Our situation can feel hopeless, and we can feel helpless. We may harbor an expectation that we should be happy, and the shock of immense, uncomfortable, negative emotions can catch us off guard. We often get caught up in all-or-nothing thinking, placing blame, and focusing on “shoulds.” All this resistance to reality wears down our resilience. When we accept our situation and reframe the obstacles that obstruct the flow of our caregiver river, we maintain momentum and balance through the boulders and the rapids. We navigate the waterfalls with confidence. Acceptance and reframing combine and become the foundation of a sustainable caregiving experience because as we release resistance, we release stress and regain control.
Meet yourself where you are
Accepting our situation means we recognize that things will not always go according to our expectations. By reframing our expectations, we relinquish our attempt to control people, processes, and outcomes and regain control when our frustrations no longer have power over our emotions. Resistance to either the caregiving role or responsibilities can cause significant stress. The act of acceptance provides relief. It is distressing to think we have taken a wrong turn on life’s journey. It is empowering to know that we are on the right path and precisely where we are supposed to be.
Accepting our circumstances is like meeting ourselves where we are on the path and moving forward together in agreement rather than a part of you seeking an alternative route, an alternative reality. While thinking that we have taken a wrong turn on life’s journey can lead us to seek an alternative reality, choosing to accept our circumstances puts us on the path to moving forward together in agreement.
Acceptance is not passive
Before caregiving, we may not have considered acceptance a strategy. When wading into a caregiving experience, it may be life as usual. There may not be much change to routines or opportunities to enjoy an escape from the routines. We may struggle to accept some of the challenges of the caregiving role but not feel resistance to the role itself. As we manage more of our family member’s care and our movements become more restricted, we can become more resentful and less tolerant of our family member’s decisions that seem to demonstrate poor judgment. Resistance to the role of caregiver can be a response to the resistance of our family member accepting that they require assistance. Resistance undermines our efforts to create a sustainable experience. Acceptance is active rather than passive and requires leaning into negative thoughts and emotions.
When we practice radical acceptance and reframe our role and responsibilities, we can peel back the layers of resentment and know that caring for our family member is precisely what we are meant to be doing. We can begin to reframe our experience by recognizing the disturbing thoughts. Deconstructing the uncomfortable emotions will lead us to the fear lurking beneath the surface. We uncover the pain points and discover how we are causing stress by our resistance. We begin to clear the filter we were using to view the journey, and it becomes a journey of self-discovery. When we look at the pain points and ask how the stress can serve us, we begin to reframe our situation and step into the role of Caregiver CEO.
Love your fate
Consider the concept of “amor fati,” which means not just accepting your fate but loving it. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche coined the term, but the idea originated with the Stoics. Nietzsche wrote, My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it–all idealism is mendaciousness in the face of what is necessary-but love it.
This philosophy compels us to examine what we are so vehemently resisting. The answers lessen the resistance and lead to acceptance, a gift of perspective and peace. Acceptance keeps us from asking, “Why me?” and keeps us focused on, “What now?”. It drives us to ask, “How can I make the best of this situation?” and “How can I help others who are struggling with similar challenges?” Finding acceptance through Stoic philosophy, spirituality, or deeply held values leads us to our purpose.
Let go of expectations
It is freeing to let go of the expectation that we are entitled; entitled to happiness, entitled to live a life entirely on our own terms. We accept the good times without question, so why shouldn’t we accept the more challenging episodes? We can accept impermanence as a purposeful part of life. At first, it can feel like we are passively giving up, but finding freedom through acceptance requires action. In part, that means acknowledging the wildness, accepting that there will be rapids, obstacles, waterfalls, unexpected turns, and hopefully a few calm sections.
Wholly embracing the care partner relationship, the caregiving role, and relinquishing control are the active steps that help us reframe our experience. We can transfer our rage against reality into loving our fate and lean into the emotions. It is an active path to acceptance: accepting the situation, accepting the emotions, accepting help, accepting forgiveness, and accepting loss. And in this process, we can find happiness, joy, and a sustainable path forward. Our journey becomes an adventure.
Find your frame
When we reframe our experience, we shift our mindset. A mindset is the collection of attitudes, beliefs, and perspectives that shape our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It is essentially our way of thinking or mental disposition towards various aspects of life. It is our lens that we filter everything through everything that happens to us, everything we see and experience.
Our mindset influences how we perceive and interpret the world, as well as how we approach challenges, opportunities, and relationships. It’s not that one mindset is right or wrong. It is a matter of which mindset will serve us best. Mindsets are the frame that we put around reality. Different frames highlight different aspects of the picture. Mindsets shape our expectations, motivation, resilience, and overall success. We can cultivate a growth mindset. A growth mindset leads us to embrace challenges, view failures as learning opportunities, and persist in the face of obstacles. We cultivate confidence in our ability to learn and grow.
Reframe stress
We can begin to reframe our experience by reframing stress. Most of us have a persistent feeling of scarcity; I’m not doing enough. I’m letting people down. Are the voices coming from the outside or the inside? You may be questioning, am I researching the right things? Am I learning what I need to know? Am I asking the right questions? There’s a learning curve around every corner, and it’s overwhelming. We are experts at our jobs. People come to us for advice, and now we are suddenly new at something, and the stakes are high. Self-doubt causes stress, especially when you’re not used to experiencing that feeling. We can feel a constant state of threat or challenge even if we’re not consciously thinking about it. It’s always there under the surface. What am I missing? Stress and struggle are part of the process.
In caregiving, stress is caused because our mind is in prediction mode, preparing us for what will happen next based on our current situation. We constantly worry are we going to be able to do this? The mind makes calculations and sends signals back to the body. Our mind is trying to prepare our bodies for what it thinks will happen. Uncertainty fuels the negative talk, and our minds can catastrophize incessantly, contributing to negative emotions. Stress and struggle can become our default mode.
The worry grows out of proportion and our focus is skewed by this disproportionate perspective. That fact that it is difficult to focus on the purpose of the struggle and to put things in perspective is precisely why this journey provides immense opportunity for growth. Consider that stress and our values, cares, and goals are two sides of the same coin. We don’t experience stress over something we don’t care about.
Negative thoughts on loop
These challenging thoughts and emotions aren’t innately bad but harmful when they morph into negative self-talk. How we feel at any given time is not about what we’re doing, but by the thought streaming through our head. We can get stuck in a negative thought pattern, a loop, which is a bit different than ruminating or worrying, but has a similar impact. This negative thought pattern produces stress when it prepares our body for our worst fears. One way to lessen anxiety is to short-circuit the negative thought pattern.
Awareness helps us recognize the damaging replay, and we can replace it with a positive mantra. Such as, “I am at peace.” Awareness can also help us flip the script on stress and use it to our advantage. The experience of stress leads to a feeling of loss of control. If we can disconnect the idea that stress is negative, we no longer feel that loss of control. Stress itself is not bad. It’s the feeling of a loss of control that is uncomfortable.
If we can reframe stress and not feel discomfort from feeling out of control and shift our thinking and perspective to a growth mindset, stress can signal an opportunity rather than a warning. We acknowledge this is a part of it and something else I can manage and grow through. I can learn something and become empowered. I can gain resilience. With this new information and knowledge, I can help someone else.
Stress about stress
We stress about the stress when we are so concerned about it being bad, but the reality is that if you remove all stress, you remove all cares, you remove the values, you remove the things that matter to you. So, this is why our first job is to reframe stress. That doesn’t mean we should not reduce unhelpful stressors. It just means recognizing that our mind is playing a role and fueling the negative thoughts. We can relabel a stressor to a challenge that presents an opportunity and shift to solution mode. Or we can recognize that this is not a problem that can be solved and place a boundary around the worry.
Eckhart Tolle says that we are aligned with the energy in the universe only when we are in one of three modalities – acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm. He also says that without this alignment, we are creating suffering for ourselves and others. It is not enough to accept that everything in life can’t be fixed; we become empowered when we accept that it was never broken. We can flip the script from “I have to be a caregiver” to “I get to be a caregiver.” As a result, we will be more open to what this journey is revealing and is offering.
As caregivers, it can feel like our gratitude journal is broken. The fix can be directly connecting gratitude with caregiving and the gifts the experience offers. This strategy results in a transformation. We begin to see the opportunities and find joy in the experience. We can take it further and directly connect the struggles to the gifts. Give this a try. Journal the struggle and reframe each one to find the hidden gift. Here are ten examples that might resonate.
Connect the struggles to the gifts
1. Caregiving is lonely
Friends and family often abandon ship, and they take the life rafts with them. With time and awareness, we discover that we are surrounded by an entire community of people who support our experience. Initially, we want to do it all ourselves, and then when we need help, we are too overwhelmed to find it. Eventually, when we accept help, we develop a support crew of healthcare professionals, volunteers, paid aides, neighbors, and more. We find online and in-person support from fellow family caregivers, counselors, and guides. We are grateful for the many wonderful folks we would not have met without the caregiving experience.
Some of these helpers are brief travel partners, but they make a huge impact and often help move us from tears to “I’ve got this.” Think about the travel partners accompanying you on your journey. How have they added joy, enhanced, or made the experience easier? We can often find gratitude for the helpers and how they reduce the feelings of isolation and loneliness.
2. Caregiving can be all-consuming
Over time and after getting systems and routines in place, we may be able to use what we have learned to help others. There are lessons around every learning curve, and as caregivers, we have learned a lot of lessons. What lessons could be passed on to help someone else, maybe in a support group, online in a Facebook group, or can you reach out and be a supportive listener to a family member or friend who is caring for someone? Our family member will remain our priority, and the opportunity to help fellow family caregivers provides tremendous healing and satisfaction.
We have an opportunity to meet amazing people, and our caregiving community grows larger and stronger. Sharing that we care for a family member can open up conversations and commiseration about the struggles. It is rewarding to offer helpful resources to another family caregiver or just be a compassionate ear. It is a gift to us when we can give to others.
3. Caregiving is stressful
Transformation begins when we realize our resistance to accepting help and letting go creates the chaos we are trying to control. We have an opportunity to grow through adversity, and letting go is a significant step in our transformation. Recognizing how little control we have over behaviors and outcomes is a powerful lesson. The gift we receive is a sense of freedom when we acknowledge that we can release our intense concern for our family member’s safety, which drives us to attempt to control behaviors and outcomes. We each have our path. With reflection, we each may find that there are many things we can let go of which will make our journey a little easier, a little lighter.
4. Caregiving is isolating
Caregiving can be an opportunity to find our Zen in nature and solitude. In the beginning, we often cannot escape the overwhelm of caregiving even when we step away physically. It chases us on our walks and infiltrates our thoughts on errands. Cultivating mindfulness teaches us to be still and present without letting intense worry take over our thoughts. We begin to crave quiet, alone time and let nature provide healing. Our journey often leads us to new places we wouldn’t have otherwise discovered. Many of them are within us.
5. Caregiving feels hopeless
Many have said that caregiving brought them back to a spiritual connection. Our search for peace can lead us back to connectedness, mindfulness, and hope. Hope is essential for our well-being; having something to look forward to and prepare for gives us meaning. Learning to be present and reconnect with our inner being helps us recognize the value in what we do. Caregiving can challenge our faith and values and cause us to question life’s purpose and meaning. Finding our rock or connecting with what gives us strength is powerful and a true gift of support. We find hope.
6. Caregiving leaves little time for self-care
We become tired of the exhaustion, the hangry drive-through runs, the missed workouts. We look in the mirror and don’t recognize ourselves. Caregivers often talk about the weight gained while caregiving, and other caregivers lose an unhealthy amount of weight. It is one of the more visible signs of the physical toll the stress takes on our bodies, and there is so much more going on underneath the surface, not to mention the emotional toll. The intense pressure or getting to a breaking point can force us to find a better way to balance competing needs so that we take care of ourselves. Learning to prioritize our well-being by reimagining and micro-dosing self-care is a gift that will serve us well through life’s challenges.
7. Caregiving shifts our priorities, and we often put our future on hold
We are forced to look at our future differently. If we embrace our present, the caregiving experience provides an opportunity for growth and for developing new skills that will help us now and beyond caregiving. We change through the experience, and we are better for having gone through it, but the intensity of the caregiving role can challenge us well beyond the time our care recipient has passed. We can spend years drifting without a purpose as we struggle to redefine ourselves.
Spending time on our future while in the middle of caregiving can help us transition after caregiving. To find the gift that comes from putting our future on hold, we can think about or journal what our future post-caregiving will look like. Then, consider what skills could be learned to help you succeed with your plans and dreams. Maybe take an online class or begin networking with folks who can help you accomplish your goals. How can you use this time to set yourself up for future success? That will be the gift. Another gift is that we will all be better prepared for the next caregiving opportunity.
8. Caregiving challenges relationships
Couples learn together how to manage adversity better. Every day, dealing with new challenges that tip the harmony, working toward balance, and trying to anticipate and prepare without fear will strengthen or weaken a relationship and relating skills. Caregiving not only challenges a couple, but it also challenges all of our relationships. The struggles bring some friends and family members closer and tear some relationships apart. Outside of friends and family, we must learn a new language and way of relating to the many professionals involved with our family member’s care. We become advocates. The lessons we learn, and the skills we develop are invaluable gifts.
9. Caregiving is a reality check
Our society discourages talk about aging, long-term care, and death. Denial of death is no longer an option when we acknowledge the destination of our journey. This experience opens our eyes to the damage caused by denial and fear. Having been through the experience, we can all be empowered with the confidence to start having these difficult conversations well before the need arises. Making plans and having these conversations is a gift to us and to family members who may be responsible for our care in the future.
10. Caregiving is overwhelming
Through the experience, we find strategies to help us manage the emotions, maximize memories, and minimize regret. We are overwhelmed by the trifecta of caregiving emotions – guilt, anger, and resentment. It takes courage and work, but when we lean in and find our inner strength, we discover the acceptance, forgiveness, and peace that frees us. As caregivers, we know a bit about stress and overwhelm. The growth that comes from adversity is immense. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Out of adversity comes opportunity.” That opportunity may just be figuring out how to survive, but it is a gift when it includes how to thrive.
Barriers to reframing
Reframing takes intention and effort. Reframing requires detaching from the negative emotions such as anger and frustration, which can be difficult when we are dealing with such a personal situation and people we care for deeply. Our minds are prone to various cognitive biases that can hinder the reframing process. We may be dealing with confirmation bias or negativity bias, making it difficult to focus on the positive aspects. Are we operating with a fixed mindset, resistant to change, or lack awareness? We may not even realize that our initial interpretation of a situation is negative or unhelpful. A lack of self-awareness or introspection can prevent us from recognizing the need to reframe and explore alternative perspectives. Cultural beliefs, societal norms, and negative influences from others can pose challenges to reframing. These factors can reinforce negative interpretations or discourage us from seeking alternative viewpoints.
Curiosity killed the conjecture
Curiosity can lead you out of stagnant thinking. It may help to imagine that you are stepping into the flow of your experience, releasing the resistance, and viewing the future with curiosity. How could the obstacle create an even better way forward? The positive transformation that results from a traumatic experience is called adversarial growth or posttraumatic growth. Remember Nietzsche’s assertion, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”? Or maybe it is familiar from the Kelly Clarkson song, Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You). What Nietzsche and Kelly Clarkson were talking about is different from resilience, which is the ability to bounce back; personal growth comes from time and energy immersed in a struggle.
According to the American Psychological Association, posttraumatic growth involves a positive change in five areas:
- Appreciation of life
- Relationships with others
- New possibilities in life
- Personal strength
- Spiritual change
So, this experience that is testing us to our core is also growing us and developing our character.
Steps to reframing your role
Additional steps to reframing your caregiving role start with awareness and exploring what resistance feels like. What do those feelings feel like? What are the emotions you are experiencing, and what is causing them? Are you feeling paralyzed by the past or intimidated by the future? What is the fear or sadness under the surface? Challenge the validity of your thoughts and reasons. Look for evidence that contradicts your initial negative interpretation. Is there any other way to interpret the situation that is more positive or neutral? Consider different angles, possibilities, or factors that might influence the situation. In The Obstacle is the Way, Ryan Holiday says, look for angles, not angels. I believe that both can help us transform our experience. The next step is key. You decide that you will wholeheartedly embrace the role, become Caregiver CEO, and constantly look for opportunities to grow and leverage the experience.
You might think about what you are choosing not to see and what wisdom you are missing due to overwhelm and worry. Choosing not to see something may have been a survival tactic, but learning to dig deeper, looking deeper to see why we choose not to see something, is another skill to take forward with us and move us forward right now. We can look at the experience from the perspectives of all involved. What might be each person’s challenge?
Receive the gifts
Now we can identify the gifts looming under the obstacle. Look for any silver linings, lessons, or potential benefits that could arise from the negative experience. What positive outcome might be revealed? It may be that you are able to improve your situation, find a better path forward for the future, develop a new skill set, cultivate resilience, or pass along information to help a fellow family caregiver.
It can also help to compartmentalize and break down the problem into manageable pieces. What is one aspect of caregiving that has been difficult to accept? What if you focused on that one component, identified the gift, and worked toward it? When we focus on the next step, the forward momentum can empower us to continue, one step at a time. Identify actions you can take to make the most of the circumstances. Proactively seek solutions, support, or resources that can help you move forward in a positive direction. What is the first step you can take to create that new reality?
Get Started
Reflect
If you struggle to move from resistance to acceptance, start with some reflection. Think about an aspect of caregiving that you resent or resist. What would happen if you accepted rather than resisted? Or, what if you genuinely believed that your current situation is exactly as it is supposed to be? What would you do differently?
Journal
Journaling is a powerful tool to help us grow and transform. Here are a few journal prompts.
In the introduction, we introduced Eckhart Tolle’s proposition that we are aligned with the energy in the universe only when we are in one of three modalities – acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm. Do you feel aligned with acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm? You might journal how a lack of connection to these modes could create suffering for you as a caregiver. If you applied the concept of amor fati, or loving your fate, to caregiving, how would it change your experience?
Practice
To put all of this into practice and embrace your journey, begin to look for the gifts that you are receiving from the experience. The word souvenir means memory in French. As you find the gifts, you can also collect beautiful souvenirs from your caregiving journey.
For more information on reframing pain and stress in caregiving, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.