Within our caregiving ecosystem, opportunities to forgive frequently appear. There are likely people who let us down by not showing up. Then, some may have said things that felt insensitive, maybe said or done something hurtful without any idea of the slight. There may even be some folks who were more direct with an insult or injury. And what does it look like to forgive a system? Employer system, healthcare system, not to mention society. Forgiveness is one of the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies that can empower us and help us reimagine and regain control of our emotions and the chaos we often feel when caring for a family member.
Shannon Alder, author of 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late, said, “Anger, resentment, and jealousy don’t change the heart of others – it only changes yours.” This quote and message highlight why holding onto resentment is disempowering and how releasing resentment frees our hearts and minds, returning the power to us. Let’s explore opportunities to forgive, the benefits and barriers to forgiving, and how to forgive to release caregiver frustration and resentment and free our hearts and minds.
What is Forgiving?
Forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someonefor “fill in the blank,” but we could say it is an offense or a mistake. To better understand what forgiving is, it is helpful to understand what forgiving is not.
Forgiving is not:
- condoning what has happened, and forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving does not have to involve exoneration. Our ability to forgive does not require an apology, remorse, or even acknowledgment of wrongdoing from the offender.
- a decision to continue a relationship with the person who caused the injury.
- fair. At least it doesn’t check the box for what we perceive as fairness.
- weak.
Forgiving is:
- wise because forgiving frees our minds for more productive thoughts and our hearts for more productive feelings.
- a release, a letting go of the burden of blame.
- no longer being defined by the wrongs committed.
- setting a limit, a boundary around how much we will continue to be emotionally invested in the hurt and harm because we dwell on the wrong.
- self-care and a gift to ourselves rather than a gift to the one who is forgiven.
Why Forgiving is Important
Forgiving is essential because it is possible to spend an enormous amount of time and energy on anger and resentment. As caregivers, we often have a legitimate list of people, events, systems, and services that have failed us. The problem with resentment is that it eats away at us from the inside and keeps our focus on grudges and grievances.
The word grudge comes from the word grumble, and we can get stuck grumbling.
Release resentment
Let go of the illusion of control
Let’s take a closer look at resentment. Resentment means to feel again. Resentment is replaying, reliving something that made us angry. Something made you angry, and you felt it was unfair and it needed to change. Over time, it didn’t change, and the anger turned hard, so anger is – something is going on that is unfair, and it needs to change. Resentment is – nothing is going to change, and it’s affecting my mental health. Resentment is an addictive state of mind, and it only gives us the illusion of control. It is toxic and only hurts us. Resentment saps our energy and clouds our perceptions and perspective. Resentment damages relationships and a damaged relationship leads to regret.
You may have heard the quote, “Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” When we forgive, we release guilt and resentment; we release the toxic emotions, the poison. We restore our peace of mind. As said, we are not condoning what has occurred but are no longer defined by the wrongs committed. We can acknowledge and feel the pain, accept what has happened, and decide to let the resentment and the pain go. Abby Fabiaschi, author of I liked My Life, said, “Practice love, compassion, and forgiveness. Anger is nothing but an anchor that keeps you from moving forward.”
Release the anchor
The image of a heavy anchor is poignant and illustrates how we can cut the chain and release resentment. It reminds us that forgiving is not passive but a courageous act that helps us reclaim control, including control over our thoughts and energy. There are more benefits of releasing the anchor. When we release resentment, we release the anxiety that swirls around the grievance. Mental anxiety is caused in part by ruminating on the past. One way to ease this anxiety is to let go of resentment and forgive grudges. When we forgive someone, we say we let them off the hook. It may be more accurate to say that releasing the anchor lets us off the hook.
Regain control over our thoughts and emotions
When we let go, our thoughts are back within our control. Our hearts feel lighter when we no longer carry the burden of the unfairness and negative emotions. There is more good news. Developing strong compassion and forgiveness muscles fortifies our resilience and keeps us focused on solutions. A more positive, productive focus also boosts our well-being.
Improve physical health
In addition to improving our mental and emotional health, the practice of forgiveness has been connected to improved physical health, including a positive impact on sleep and stress reduction. The physical benefits of forgiveness may surprise you. We are often unaware of how frequently our thoughts turn to old grudges, but we may recognize the telltale signs, such as our body tensing or briefly holding our breath. This physical reaction to dwelling on a grievance takes a toll. The stress hormone cortisol is released. When this happens repeatedly, our hormones adjust over time, and the shift can cause depression.
To deal with the stress caused by ruminating, we may engage in destructive behaviors or unhealthy avoidance activities that lead to further decline in our health. The opposite happens when we release negative feelings through forgiveness, and the hormones that support happiness and well-being are released.
The Mayo Clinic’s list of the physical, mental and emotional benefits of forgiveness is impressive:
- Healthier relationships
- Improved mental health – including less anxiety, anger and stress
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- A stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Improved self-esteem
Forgiveness is a path to gratitude
We can add gratitude to the list. Oprah said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.'” Connecting gratitude to forgiveness is powerful. When we have followed the steps of forgiving ourselves, we can bring closure to the situation by expressing that we did our best with the available resources. We can focus on the heart and say to ourselves, “I forgive you.” We can celebrate what we learned from the experience and feel gratitude for the lesson and growth. While forgiving ourselves can lead to growth and gratitude, forgiving others can also lead to gratitude.
For example, we can forgive a sibling for a lack of involvement in our parent’s care. Feelings of resentment can coincide with feelings of gratitude for a lack of interference. If our sibling is not critical or judgmental, we can be grateful because that is often not the case in many family dynamics. We can accept that our sibling is doing the best they can, just like we are, and that has to be good enough. Releasing our resentment is freeing and helps us maintain our relationships, for which we can be grateful.
Why Forgiveness is Hard
Even if we acknowledge all of the benefits of forgiveness, it can still be challenging, and it’s understandable.
It’s not fair
We resist because “It’s not fair.” We have been wronged. Forgiving can feel like excusing bad behavior. Because forgiving doesn’t check the box for what we perceive is fair, it goes against our innate sense of justice. We want things to be even so that balance is restored. We might be waiting for an apology that will never come. Or we might believe that we are punishing the offender by holding onto the memory of the injury.
Forgiving feels like giving up control
When we forgive, it can also feel like we are giving up control over how we are viewed and how we view ourselves. It can feel like giving up our identity. We identify as the person who was wronged; without that identity, we risk losing the sympathy and understanding we deserve. Our anger and resentment are pleas for empathy and validation, which are in short supply in our caregiver world.
Forgiving is letting go of validation
Letting go of the grudge also means letting go of being seen, heard, and understood. Letting go of being validated. Or we feel vulnerable and might confuse resentment with protecting ourselves so we don’t get hurt again. Finally, we may resist forgiving ourselves because we feel unworthy. We feel shame and believe we deserve blame.
We are addicted to the negative thought loop
Another reason it is hard to forgive is that our thoughts get stuck on loop thinking about the grievance. Ruminating feels normal and natural because our minds are drawn to the drama. In fact, we can get addicted. Our attachment to the memory of injustice strengthens with each negative thought, and ditching the drama can be uncomfortable. Letting go of the thought loop to live in the present is hard, and even when we try to meditate, maybe especially when we try to meditate and pause the thoughts, they come rushing in to fill any void we create.
We want a different outcome
As said earlier, resentment only gives us the illusion of control. We hold onto resentment because we want a different outcome, and if we let go, we let go of the possibility that we will experience that desired outcome.
Holding the grudge gives us a false sense of empowerment. Or, as Christian Conte says, we are living in a cartoon world of shoulds. “People shouldn’t be responding like that. She shouldn’t take that perspective. He should see the world the way I do.”
This cartoon world is in contrast to the “real world,” how the world actually is. As Christian says, “As long as we align our expectations with the cartoon world, we are let down.” But it is more than just being let down, isn’t it? We are right, and these unfair circumstances or unjust people are wrong, and we hold on tight to our rightness to control. The tighter we hold on, the more control we relinquish because, the more invested we are in this illusion of control.
I lost count of how many reasons forgiving is hard, but it is not surprising if you are having trouble forgiving, so give yourself space and grace to handle it when it feels right for you. When we forgive ourselves for being unable to forgive others, we have already received the gift that comes with forgiveness.
Who and What to Forgive
As mentioned earlier, the list of who and what to forgive can be extensive and overwhelming, and it is easier to start with forgiving ourselves.
Forgiving ourselves
Caregiving responsibilities are complex, and mistakes are inevitable, so forgiving ourselves is equally essential to forgiving others we believe have let us down. We are often navigating complex systems under emotionally charged circumstances. It is expected to feel like we aren’t strong enough or smart enough to manage the challenges. We can be hard on ourselves when things don’t go as planned, or we respond in a way that inspires regret. Dwelling on our mistakes can cause us to lose sleep and suffer from other adverse effects of stress caused by ruminating. Resilience and self-forgiveness are crucial so that we can continue with confidence.
Reflection and self-compassion
Forgiving ourselves starts with reflection and self-compassion. We can let guilt be our guide. Granted, it may be misplaced guilt, but it is a good starting place. When we assess how we might forgive ourselves, we might notice that we feel guilty for being reactive, deficiently proactive, making mistakes, and for misunderstanding. We might include reflection in our journal, whenever we feel regret. Regret may be a concern as relationships become more contentious under the strain of caregiving. A journal prompt to start could be, “I made a mistake. What next? How can I learn from what happened?”
Resilience
The mistake may have been that we reacted rather than acted or felt like we missed something that could have made a difference in an outcome. Honest reflection helps us put the incident in perspective, understand why we behaved in a particular way, and the role others’ actions or reactions may have played. With reflection, we can understand the underlying factors contributing to our mishandling of an interaction. Was I tired, hungry, or both? Could we have taken a break that might have prevented the pressure that built up throughout the day? Journaling the insights, the lessons learned, and the changes needed while using a lens of self-compassion allows us to shift from self-criticism to a place of empowerment. Resilience comes when we acknowledge that we did the best we could and now we have information that will help us do better the next time.
Our care recipient
Our care recipient may inspire us to forgive past, present, and even future grievances. While guilt or shame may guide us to opportunities to forgive ourselves, our anger can lead us to opportunities to forgive others. We might be angry and resentful because our care receiver did not take action or initiate a conversation to prevent us from what feels like an unsustainable experience. Our care receiver may inspire anger by making it challenging to be their caregiver by resisting both help and reason, admittedly our side of the story. We can feel anger if we feel like our future is now at the mercy of our family member’s decisions, questionable judgment, and our caregiving experience.
We can set boundaries around how much time we will spend focused on resentment, anger, and resistance to forgiveness. Setting boundaries around how much hurt we are willing to feel can lead to forgiveness.
Siblings and Friends
You may feel frustration when siblings and close family members have let you down. You may have the opportunity to forgive siblings for not being more involved in a parent’s care or for offering unsolicited advice that felt judgmental. Your friend circle may have dwindled when responsibilities shifted more toward care, or you may have noticed fewer of your care receiver’s friends showing up when circumstances changed. It can be heartbreaking to watch our care recipient’s social life disappear, and it can be lonely to experience a similar loss of friend interaction as a caregiver.
Forgiveness serves us well so that we can move on to other solutions for support. We may also take comfort in the fact that our uninvolved family members are not challenging our decisions. We can appreciate that we have a new circle of support that consists of those who help us care for our family member.
Systems
Next, we can think about the systems that have created rather than reduced obstacles on our care journey. It is important not to confuse the limitations of the process with the people who are a part of the process. While systems may be broken, the helpers within the systems are not the systems themselves. We may be caring for someone who uses the Veterans Affairs system. The VA helps a lot of folks. It can also be an obstacle-rich environment, creating many opportunities for forgiveness. An employer system or a transportation system may have caused us grief and provide an opportunity for forgiveness.
The healthcare system can be extremely challenging to navigate. Hospital stays often involve mistakes and misunderstandings, and forgiving these mistakes may be the best course of action. That doesn’t mean we don’t advocate for our family member when mistakes are made or hold staff members or doctors accountable. It means that we understand that mistakes will happen, and we advocate in a way that is respectful to maintain crucial relationships that will keep our family member safe and help them return to good health. Striking that balance with the extreme emotions at play can be a real challenge.
Society
The expectation of caring for an aging family member without adequate support is unfair and can inspire anger. As caregivers, we can feel like we wear an invisibility cloak, like our identity becomes someone who is an extension of our care recipient, whose sole purpose is to manage care. We might blame society for our inability to have aging and end-of-life conversations.
With time, we recognize that blaming society does not serve us. We decide our energy is better placed developing strategies to navigate the expectations, the validation void, and our own aversion to conversations about aging and end-of-life. The good news is that many opportunities to forgive mean many opportunities for the lessons and growth we experience from each act of forgiveness.
How to Forgive
When we have determined who and what to forgive, we may need to learn how to forgive. We have already started the process by simply thinking about the concept and recognizing the value of forgiveness.
Forgiveness opportunities present organically
Opportunities to practice forgiveness present themselves organically throughout the day, and with mindfulness and awareness, we can recognize them and take advantage of an occasion to be more compassionate.
Small daily acts
Awareness will lead to occasions to train our forgiving heart muscles. By starting with the grievances that hold lighter weight, we can practice small acts of forgiveness before moving on to the weightier grudges. Awareness and presence help us forgive in the moment and act with compassion, minimizing the regret created when we react fueled by the negative energy that accompanies negative thoughts and emotions. We may simply refrain from saying something disparaging, or we might offer kind words during a moment of frustration.
Build up to the bigger acts
Whether active or passive practice, small daily acts will help us become more skilled at demonstrating empathy and forgiveness, which are closely connected. Practice will help us rewire our brains to be prepared to undertake more challenging forgiveness opportunities. In addition to awareness and mindfulness helping us recognize forgiveness opportunities, mindfulness and forgiveness share another connection. When we practice forgiveness, we cut our ties to the past and place our attention on the present as we let go of what no longer serves us.
Steps to forgive
Feel the hurt
Once you have identified the act or recipient of your forgiveness, the first step in the forgiveness process is to feel the hurt. We can describe the pain in our journal. We can analyze why the injury is painful, what we have learned from the experience, and how we have changed.
Inspect from all angles
The second step is to further reflect on why the offense occurred. Assess the event from all perspectives, including the offender’s point of view. We might share our struggles in a caregiver support group or with a caregiving consultant or a counselor to gain a new perspective or insight. When we acknowledge that we are all limited by our conditioning, we may realize that we all do our best given our circumstances, ego constraints, and personal limits.
Detach from the story
Finally, we can forgive. We need to detach from the story. That doesn’t mean we forget, but the memory no longer inspires negative emotion. After we have forgiven, setting a boundary can protect us from further injury. Let’s say we have forgiven someone who has been insensitive. We can set a boundary around our exposure to this person, which doesn’t necessarily require a conversation. Or we can set a boundary around our conversation topics with someone who isn’t able to validate our emotions or experience so that we are no longer harmed or disappointed. When we honor the limits and the boundaries that we set, we respect ourselves and the person we have forgiven.
When we practice compassion, self-compassion, and forgiveness, we free our hearts and minds to focus on love and well-being. At the same time, we can show ourselves compassion by being patient if we struggle to embrace forgiveness. If you struggle to forgive, you can continue to explore the hurt with an empathetic listener or journal to help you further process the injury. You might set an intention to revisit the forgiveness opportunity in the future.
Get Started
When you are ready to put this strategy into practice, take a moment to reflect. When have you felt injured, and by whom? Does this event take up space in your mind? How would it feel to be at peace?
Using your journal, you could write about what you have done that you might forgive and why you deserve to be forgiven. Who else can you forgive? How can you ditch the drama? Describe how each act of forgiveness might unfold. If we are using resentment as a shield to protect ourselves so that we don’t get hurt again, then ironically, we are shielding ourselves from the opportunity to grow.
Thinking about Oprah’s quote, “True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience,'” write about what gifts or opportunities for growth might be within the forgiveness.
Then, begin practicing forgiveness. Look for opportunities to apply empathy and compassion and forgive yourself and others rather than waste disproportionate thought on the injury. And when you forgive, feel the release that comes from letting go of the burden of blame.
For more information on how forgiveness can help reduce caregiver resentment, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.