Amor Fati: Love Your Fate!

Amor Fati. This is the tattoo I will earn. For me, love your fate, signifies embracing rather than accepting my situation. The concept led me to the revelation that I was resisting the relationship rather than the caregiving role. Further examination helped me reach a place of clarity and calm. I resented the tether that bound my stubborn inner teenager to her stubborn “controlling” father. Openness and honesty, truthfulness without hurtfulness were the steps I took on my mission to upend the resistance.

I let go of the expectation that I was entitled, entitled to happiness, entitled to live life entirely on my terms. I had accepted the good times without question, so why shouldn’t I accept the more challenging episodes? That was a start, but it still felt passive. I had to embrace the relationship and role and relinquish control to find true freedom. In the process, I found happiness and joy again.

Letting it go does not mean giving up. More often it’s the only right decision, a victory over circumstances. Elchin Safarli

The Journey became an Adventure

Nietzsche coined the term amor fati, but the concept originated with the Stoics.

“My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.” Nietzsche 

I transferred my rage against reality into loving my fate. I leaned in. “Love your fate” worked for me because it was a more active path to acceptance, accepting the situation, accepting the emotions, accepting help, accepting forgiveness, accepting loss. The decision to embrace my fate led me to chart a different way forward and the journey became an adventure. The idea of not just accepting, but loving what is, allowed me to see and receive the gifts from the experience. The gifts were many. I started to record them and finally found meaningful gratitude and freedom from the tether.

Align with the Universe

Eckhart Tolle says that we are aligned with the energy in the universe only when we are in one of three modalities – acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm. He says that without this alignment, we are creating suffering for ourselves and others. By railing against reality, I had created suffering for myself and others. It was not enough to accept that everything in life can’t be fixed. I had to accept that it was never broken.

“You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it.” – Cheryl Strayed

Opportunity to Grow

Chasing elusive acceptance put me in a state of constant low level anxiety. I was chasing control. Control can not be caught unless it is released. Awareness and communication helped me flip the script from “I have to be a caregiver” to “I get to be a caregiver”. When I embraced Amor Fati, I was more open to what this journey was revealing and was offering.

“A will to live without rejecting anything of life, which is the virtue I honor most in this world.” Albert Camus

This experience has and will continue to provide an enormous opportunity to grow and develop virtue. I see a clearer way forward. Life presented a challenge and I was treating it as a competition that had a winner and a loser. We all win when I play the game with intention and compassion. When I embrace my role and I live in the moment, I am not focused on fear of the future or past memories and hurts. I am unburdened from regrets and resentment.

Begin with the End in Mind

I had to find my way to acceptance on my terms. The caregiving experience is intense and for me required dynamic steps to acceptance, love your fate and genuine gratitude. I also meditate, use mantra beads and essential oils, spend time in nature, exercise and remind myself to breath in order to stay present. I encourage each family caregiver to find their way to a path that is meaningful and sustainable. When we reach the other side of this journey, we will not be the same person. We will be better.

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.