My Journey to Sustainable Compassion

Conditional compassion

I needed a compass to find my way back to compassion. First, I needed to remember what it was, what it felt like. I remembered having it and watching it slip away as circumstances became more challenging. Was compassion conditional, like conditional love? Will I feel and show compassion only if deserved and is it deserved only if I am not made to suffer in the process? It was as if I had lost my capacity to feel compassion not only for Dad and his situation, but anyone. Following, is the path I took to rediscovering compassion. When I did, it was like putting on glasses with a new prescription, but instead of seeing things clearly again, I was feeling things clearly again.

“When love meets suffering and stays loving.” Buddhist definition of compassion

I learned that we instinctively distance ourselves from suffering. When we act with compassion, we turn toward suffering, lean into it. We face the fear and decide we can handle it. But, if compassion was an innate possession, then why the intense resistance and was it permanent. Was this compassion fatigue? Was I burned out or was I actively resisting compassion due to underlying resentment? The latter produced feelings of guilt and fed the toxic caregiver tornado of emotion. 

Mother Teresa the bodybuilder

I discovered that compassion stimulates areas of love and connectedness in the brain. Empathy triggers the pain regions. Tension results when we feel the pull of compassion, yet distance ourselves from the suffering that comes with empathy, two competing instincts. It is distressing. When we make a choice to move toward and into the uncomfortable space, it is compassion that grounds us, then propels us into action. Acting with compassion strengthens our compassion muscles because compassion is not only innate, but is learnable and contagious. I thought, “Mother Teresa had strong compassion muscles”. Mother Teresa, the body builder, I still can’t get the image out of my head. 

Low on Love

Feel compassion, show compassion. That was how I used to work, but my feelings felt missing or misplaced. As a result, I chose to move away from discomfort, away from action. 

“Compassion is about giving all the love that you’ve got.” Cheryl Strayed

That was the problem! I was low on love. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but above all, I was low on love for myself. Where does one get love? Amazon deal of the day? Can I put it on subscribe? Searching for the solution to my angst became a part time job. There were many who felt only gratitude for the opportunity to care for a family member. I could not look to them for direction because from where I was, they were on a different path that was on a different planet.  

Empathic distress

I was resentful. How did I get here? Life had been the ultimate playground and suddenly, I was on a steep slide, heading toward a pit of despair, trying to claw my way back up. After more research, I was relieved to discover that I was experiencing empathic distress and not surprised to learn that once again my ego was to blame. Ironically, it was my ego blaming my ego. I was numb to others’ discomfort, but in theory, my compassion was intact. No matter the analysis, I wanted to feel something other than deep disappointment in life and in myself. On the way down the slide, I learned about mindfulness, meditation, boundaries and stoic philosophy. These are the tools that are serving me well now that I have plugged back in to my energy source, have been rebooted and given a second chance. 

“If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete.” Jack Kornfield

Rani

I knew that I was disconnected and needed to be reconnected with myself, with my source of love and compassion. As a kid, I oozed compassion. As an adult, it had all oozed out and I felt empty and angry at who I had become. Then, I met Rani. She had a peace about her that fascinated me. She had a story that was compelling. She did energy work.

After one session with Rani, the toxic tornado of emotions calmed. I no longer felt the anger, guilt and resentment that took up so much space, leaving no room left for empathy. With calm came compassion, compassion for my Dad, myself and our situation. A switch flipped. Rani said that she filled me with a tremendous amount of love. I didn’t recognize the stressed reactive person who I had become as a caregiver. I was equally astonished by my return to me. 

The obstacle was the way

I had faced all of the common barriers that impeded acting with compassion, including guilt, perfectionism, exhaustion, anger, resentment, fear and anticipatory grief. Once my energy was back in place, the barriers dissipated. Ultimately, my mission to eradicate these barriers, led me to amor fati, Rani and a better understanding of compassion.

The Obstacle is the Way is a book by Ryan Holiday that is brimming from cover to cover with sage, stoic advice. The stoic philosophers are often misrepresented as unemotional and indifferent, which could not be further from the truth. Stoicism is about living your best life and that includes caring for and about the important people and issues that concern them. I now have a greater understanding of compassion, acceptance and boundaries and am a better caregiver in part due to the Stoics. This book has become an operating guide of sorts and is one of the tools that is helping keep my well of compassion full.

Caregiving journey packing list

Kait Hurley shares her tips for self love in the article, “3  Self-Love Tips for Accepting who You are Right Now – Not Who You Wish You Could Be.” She suggests that we snuggle up to tough emotions and stay present. If prior to starting out on my caregiving journey, I had developed a foundation of mindfulness, cultivated self compassion and learned to be honest and direct in communicating boundaries, I would not have found myself on a playground slide into despair. These are the must have packing list items for a family caregiver starting out on his or her journey. Fortunately, it was not too late to acquire them.

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.