Reduce Regret: Reflect, Forgive & Be Present

Caregiving is intense. We are not at our best because we are overwhelmed. This makes the experience ripe for regret. There are three strategies that, when combined, create a web of protection against remorse. Imagine reflecting back to this time. What would you do differently? Recognize the opportunity you have, at this moment, to make a change. Use mindfulness to act in accordance with your heart and your values and to find your power in forgiveness.

“To grow high and proud, a tree needs storms.” Irvin Yalom

What type of tree will you be when your caregiving experience comes to an end? It is not often during the experience that we think about the end, and realize that we are on an end-of-life journey. We are so overwhelmed with surviving day to day that we don’t see that reality. Then, the experience ends, and we no longer have purpose or meaning. In the midst of the emotional, mental and physical turmoil, it is important to stay found. That was a term we used during orienteering and was the best way not to get lost. Once the path was lost, reaching the next checkpoint was exponentially more difficult. How do we stay found? What steps can we take to grow and evolve through the journey so that we come out stronger, wiser, better? How can we ensure that when we look back on the experience, we feel honor and accomplishment?

Reflection

Katy Robinson wrote and performs the song, What Am I on her album Beacon. The lyrics below prompt us to face anticipatory regret. Listening, I consider how my actions and reactions today shape who I will be tomorrow. Looking forward to looking back is a powerful strategy to reduce regret.

When I look back on this caregiving experience, whether it is from memory or reading my journals, what will I be proud of, and what will I wish I had done differently? What can I change today so that I will look back with satisfaction at a meaningful journey?

If I could see a picture, would I want to be her
Want to be her friend
See her in the mirror
What would I do differently?

“Would I want to be her, want to be her friend?” The question, “Do I like who I am?” haunted me. The first several years into the caregiving experience, I didn’t recognize myself, this new version of me. I was afraid of who I had become, and who I would become. It wasn’t until I accepted the reality that I could accept myself and my place on the caregiving journey. The acceptance brought compassion and a return to the me I recognized.

If I could go back to those younger days
Those old mistakes
and make a change
What would I do differently

Reflecting forward, journaling, and digging into the depths of the emotions and the overwhelm have inspired perspective and growth. As Katy sings, “Do this right, you’ll never get this chance again…”. That is a lot of pressure. In the end, we all just do our best, and that is where forgiveness plays its part.

Forgiveness

The power of forgiveness

It is possible to spend an enormous amount of time and energy on anger and resentment. Caregivers often have a legitimate list of people, events, systems, and services that have failed them. The problem with resentment is that it eats away at us from the inside.

“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.” 
― Shannon Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late

When we forgive, we release guilt and resentment. We are no longer defined by the wrongs that have been committed. Our time and efforts are directed toward growth. Our present is peaceful. We can look back and know that our actions reflected our true self and our hearts. Relief and contentment rather than regret will be in the reflection.

Who to forgive?

The list will be as unique as each family caregiver and his or her circumstances. I started with myself, my care recipient, and close family members. The healthcare professionals we have encountered have been wonderful, but the hospital systems have caused anxiety. The VA offers wonderful services, but the procedures have brought me to tears. Society is so helpful and hindering. While the list ebbs and flows as the experience intensifies, I have learned and grown stronger from each act of forgiveness.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’ ” – Oprah Winfrey

What to forgive?

If we start with ourselves, we can look to guilt as our guide. I felt guilt for being reactive, deficiently proactive, making mistakes, and misunderstanding. Forgiveness had to start with sustainable self-compassion. Next, I had to forgive Dad for the past, present, and future. Carol Bradley Bursak describes the complications of caring for and forgiving a parent in the article, 5 Examples of How Forgiveness Can Improve a Caregiver’s Life. Forgiving my brother for his lack of involvement in our father’s care coincided with feelings of gratitude that he did not interfere, was not critical or judgmental, and the knowledge that he was doing the best he could, just like I was and that had to be good enough. The systems were broken, but the helpers in the systems were the glue, the super glue. It was important not to confuse the limitations of the people with the process.

How to forgive

Robert Enright, the author of Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, suggests that we need to become “forgivingly fit”. In order to do this, we need to train our forgiving heart muscles and practice small acts of forgiveness. Opportunities present themselves organically throughout the day, and with mindfulness, we can recognize them and take advantage of the opportunities to be more compassionate. It may be that we refrain from saying something disparaging or that we offer kind words during a moment of frustration. Whether active or passive practice, small daily acts will help us become more skilled at demonstrating empathy and forgiveness, which are closely connected. Then, we can rewire our brains and undertake the more challenging forgiveness opportunities.

Mindfulness

Staying found

In order to not lose ourselves to the challenges of caregiving, we must stay found. One way to stay found is to practice the power of being present. When we become skilled at being present, we counter the effects of stress and develop strong, permanent coping skills that will serve us well in the years beyond this caregiving experience. When mindful, we act rather than react, which will minimize regret. Mindfulness focuses our attention on the present moment and can be incorporated into everyday life as well as practiced in meditation. The benefits are many when we:

• Observe our thoughts and emotions without letting ourselves get immersed in them; our responses become less impulsive and less reactive.
• Are nonjudgmental in our awareness, we are able to accept the experience with curiosity and openness.
• Improve self-reflection and self-observation. We develop and strengthen our coping skills. When we focus on the present, the stress that comes with ruminating on the past or future is minimized.

“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there or being in the present, but wanting to be in the future. It’s a split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle

Everyday practice

Mindfulness takes practice and consistency. Practice can be woven into everyday life. There are opportunities throughout the day to refocus our attention on the present moment. Practicing during less stressful activities will help you develop the ability to remain present through the more challenging activities. Here are a few ways to incorporate mindfulness into your day to reduce anxiety and stress:

1. In line at the checkout counter – Take a deep breath and hold it for 5 seconds. Release the breath slowly. Do this a few times and feel the tension release from your body.
2. At a traffic light – Keep a stone or small rock within reach and hold it at a red light. Run your fingers over it. Alternatively, notice the feel of the steering wheel, the texture, and the temperature. Is the seat firm or soft? Bring your attention to the physical.
3. Looking out the window – What do you see? Look at each object as if you were seeing it for the first time. Notice the shapes, colors, and movement. Practice increasing awareness without fixating on any one object.
4. Walking – Perceive with all of your senses. How many things can you see, smell, hear, feel or taste?
5. Eating – Notice the appearance of the texture and how it feels in your hand or on your tongue. Note the flavor and how different flavors interact with each other to create layers of flavor.
6. Transitions between activities – Take the seconds between putting down your phone and picking up your coffee cup to bring awareness to the moment.
7. Altercation – Be curious. It isn’t possible to be angry and interested at the same time. Become curious as to why your caree is acting in a certain way. Instead of reacting, ask them.

The power is in the present

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” Eckhart Tolle

When we develop this one coping strategy, the skill of being mindful, we will have undoubtedly changed while on the journey. We can carry our new superpower into the future, which is now.

Take a few minutes with a cup of tea and listen to Katy’s song. Visualize yourself ten years from now, looking back at your younger self. What would you do differently? Who can you forgive? How can you be present?

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.