Match.com: The Family Caregiver, Caree, Aide Relationship

Wading into home care

Navigating the caregiver river takes calm, patience and a compass. We started our journey down the river five years ago. We found ourselves in rapids without a paddle. Actually, we didn’t even have a raft. Dad had a stroke and up to that point had been driving and mostly self sufficient. After rehab, he was able to return to most activities with the exception of driving, a point with which he vehemently disagreed.

Even though we were living with Dad, my husband and I were able to roam, including winter months spent in our RV out west skiing. With minimal research and a neighbor’s recommendation, I selected a home care agency. The reviews weren’t great, but they weren’t great for any of the options and I decided that only the dissatisfied wrote reviews. The aide who would assist Dad was a poor fit, but we didn’t have time to “try out” more options. She was loud and abrasive. She didn’t listen well and therefore didn’t follow instructions well. I calculated the worst that could happen and it wasn’t that bad. I calculated wrong.

A heartbreaking lesson

My husband, Joe, can work from anywhere and everywhere and that was our preferred destination. We headed west, toward days on the slopes and away from worries. I talked to Dad everyday. We had been in Utah for a week and he mentioned that he couldn’t find Euro, my kitty. Euro hid from his tail. “How long has he been missing?” “Oh, about two days.” “TWO DAYS?” I reached out to a couple friend of Dad’s and they searched the condo. Euro had definitely made the great escape. We sent a photo and they put flyers all over the neighborhood. I flew from Salt Lake City the same day, arrived and stayed up until 3am hoping to coax my sweet Euro back to his safe haven.

The flyers worked. I got a call at 9am the next morning. Euro had just been hit by a car and didn’t make it. I was beyond devastated. Dad hadn’t left the house, but the caregiver had propped the door open while bringing in the groceries and this was the only explanation for Euro being outside. She did not like cats and while I can’t believe it was intentional, had no regard for his safety.

A new start

I discontinued the agency, stayed up all night researching options and met with the owner of a company that on paper appeared to care. I was in a state; had not eaten, had not slept, had been crying at varying intensities for 24 hours and was barely holding it together. The owner, Steve, was wonderful. He stayed for two hours and learned about Dad and our situation. He shared information that helped me understand the dynamics that worked when the caree was resistant to outside help. It was simply finding the right person who clicked with Dad. He provided financial advice as well. Dad would be fine. I flew back to Utah the next day. 

All together, we worked with this agency for five years. It wasn’t all calm waters, but each time we reached the rapids, the agency staff tossed us a life saving buoy. After a few initial attempts in the beginning, we found the perfect match and as predicted, when they clicked, Dad looked forward to her arrival. Having strangers in the home was not comfortable, but in the end, the benefits outweighed the discomfort. Dad’s needs went in the opposite direction of most; over time, he needed less care, not more. We moved out, but stayed close-by. I was at his place daily and we decided to discontinue outside help.

Deeper water

We paddled along on our own for a while. We used a pre-packaged delivery service for medicines, grocery delivery services, transportation services, Amazon subscriptions and we paid a neighbor to visit once a day and alert us to any problems. Then, we started to notice a few poor choices and bad decisions. Dad refused to acknowledge that getting on a 6 foot ladder to velcro one of his paintings to the ceiling was not using good judgement. Twice, he mismanaged the one medicine that we kept out of the pill pack. He needed more oversight. We moved back in. He was happy until he learned that I would be managing his medicines. He threatened to move out. Back in the rapids, I was ready to hire a private aide. I put together a list of requirements and tasks. 

Since Match.com doesn’t exist for the caregiver/caree/aide relationship, I put together a one sheet summary about Dad, our requirements and the respite caregiver responsibilities. This time the aide would be hired by and work for me rather than Dad. According to Dad, he didn’t need help, but the reality was that I did. I made it clear that she would be helping me take care of his needs and that he would not need to ‘figure out’ what she needed to do. I would take care of that responsibility. More importantly, he could not tell her not to do something. 

A great match

Finding the right person was key. The plan was to distribute and post the help wanted sheet at his church, in his retirement community and to a few key people who had connections in the healthcare industry. I was going to do interviews, talk to references and let Dad talk to the finalists. I had a plan. With a little effort and a lot of luck, we found the perfect match! Our angel aide has five children from 18 months to 14 years old. She comes three days a week. I make a little extra lunch and send it with her, hoping to make her day a little easier too. It was important to check in with her on a regular basis to make sure that she was still happy with the situation and the hours. I wanted this to be a sustainable relationship for all three of us.

Finding the right person, the right fit for everyone involved, is a challenge. Financing these services can be a challenge. More to come on that topic soon.

Things to consider when hiring a company or a private aide:

• What does a good match look like for your caree? For you?
• What help is needed and what qualifications match the need?
• What questions will you ask the candidate prior to making a decision?
• References 
• Who will give direction? Follow up?

What we know now:

• Have a strategy to select the company and/or aides
  • Identify needs
  • Interview
  • Check references
• Finding the right match is key. Consider:
  • Personality
  • Hobbies
  • Previous clients
  • Pet likes/dislikes
  • Willingness to prepare meals
• Set expectations up front and check in frequently
• Have a consistent method of communication
  • Communication log
  • Task sign off sheet

Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.

Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.

Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.