“Compassion is about giving all the love that you’ve got.”
Cheryl Strayed, author of the memoir Wild
Compassion is the feeling that allows us to show kindness during difficult times. Where compassion is an internal feeling, kindness is an external action that embodies warmth and affection. As Cheryl Strayed said, feeling and showing compassion is about sharing love, but what if we are low on love due to the wild ride that is caregiving? When we give so much of our time and energy to caring for our family member, our capacity for feeling and showing compassion gets depleted. Our well-being suffers. Resentment builds and causes stress, and excessive and repeated stress leads to burnout. When we experience burnout, we are exhausted and no longer feel we can cope. We view responsibilities and interactions as increasingly more stressful and frustrating. Reconnecting to our compassionate selves by recharging our compassion reserves can reduce stress and minimize regret.
Burnout & Compassion Fatigue
We can view burnout as a spectrum, and caregivers can be anywhere on the spectrum at any given time based on what we are going through. Even beyond burnout, we may be experiencing compassion fatigue. There are many descriptions and definitions of both burnout and compassion fatigue. Because they vary wildly from source to source, rather than define them, it is more helpful to consider the components they have in common and a distinguishing factor. They have in common the feeling of being completely overwhelmed by circumstances to the point that our well-being suffers. It is agreed that compassion fatigue includes trauma.
Trauma from witnessing your family member’s suffering can result in a type of post-traumatic stress disorder caused by secondary trauma. And while burnout and compassion fatigue are different, they can co-exist. To further complicate matters, other research indicates that empathy, rather than compassion, fatigues. Empathic distress is “A strong aversive and self-oriented response to the suffering of others, accompanied by the desire to withdraw from a situation in order to protect oneself from excessive negative feelings.[1]” Recharging compassion reserves and reconnecting to compassion can help us recover from the strain and stress of caring for our family member.
The Compassion Empathy Connection
It is helpful to understand more about the connection between compassion and empathy. Compassion stimulates areas of love and connectedness in the brain. Empathy triggers pain regions. Tension results when we feel the pull of compassion yet distance ourselves from the suffering that comes with empathy which are competing instincts. It is distressing. When we choose to move toward and into the uncomfortable space and demonstrate kindness, it is compassion that grounds us, then propels us into action. Acting with compassion strengthens our compassion muscles because compassion is not only innate but is learnable and contagious. A Buddhist definition of compassion is “When love meets suffering and stays loving.” We instinctively distance ourselves from suffering. When we act with compassion, we turn toward suffering and lean into it. We face fear and decide we can handle it.
Benefits of Cultivating Compassion
There are many benefits to cultivating and demonstrating compassion. Compassionate, meaningful connections with others have a positive impact on both our physical and emotional well-being. These positive connections and interactions bolster our confidence and self-esteem, which can be at a low point when caring for a family member. When we feel and show compassion, our perspective stays more positive during challenging periods. We are less susceptible to anxiety and depression. Giving and acting with compassion gives us pleasure, fortifying our resilience, which keeps us focused on solutions. Cultivating and practicing compassion allows us to maintain relationships and minimize stress and regret, which keeps us on course for a more sustainable caregiving experience.
Barriers to Feeling Compassion
We have looked at what compassion is and why it is important for our well-being. Now let’s explore why it can feel impossible to connect with our compassion when we are under stress. As caregivers, we face many common barriers that impede us from acting with kindness, including exhaustion, anger, resentment, and fear. When our boundaries are consistently crossed, these barriers increase in number and intensity. As kids, we ooze compassion. As caregivers, it can feel like our compassion has all oozed out, leaving us feeling empty and angry and wondering who we have become.
Ineffective boundaries
We explored boundaries in chapter one and will briefly recap their value because boundaries and compassion have a strong connection. Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional and physical well-being. When our boundaries are crossed, we may feel anger. When they are repeatedly crossed, our resilience becomes weakened, leading to exhaustion and burnout. Unfortunately, communicating and reinforcing boundaries can be uncomfortable and, therefore, challenging to set and maintain.
Exhaustion
Think about a time when you were exhausted. You may have been short-tempered, and it is challenging to feel or show kindness in this state of mind. When our boundaries aren’t protecting us, exhaustion and resentment build, quickly draining our capacity for compassion.
Lack of validation
Another barrier can be the consistent lack of validation. As caregivers, we often feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Family, friends, and even healthcare professionals who have not been family caregivers don’t get what you are going through, and their input and comments can be insensitive. It can feel like our contributions are not valued or validated. When the entire focus, including our own, is on our family member, resentment continues to grow.
Resentment
Resentment means to feel again. It is replaying, reliving something that made us angry. Something made us angry, and we believed it was unfair and needed to change. Over time, it didn’t change, and the anger turned hard. Anger results from something going on that is unfair, and it needs to change. Resentment results when we realize that nothing is going to change, and it affects our mental health. Resentment is an addictive state of mind, only giving us the illusion of control. It is toxic and only hurts ourselves. Resentment saps our energy and clouds our perceptions and perspective. Recognizing this is the first step in forgiving and letting it go, and breaking down the barriers to reconnecting to compassion
Anger
Anger is a barrier to feeling compassion. Caregiving is a trigger minefield, and due to exhaustion and worry, we can be in a permanent state of heightened alert and be very sensitive. The result is easily triggered anger, and it’s impossible to be angry and compassionate at the same time. It is also impossible to be simultaneously curious and angry. Curiosity can help us shift from anger to compassion. We can better understand what motivated certain behaviors or decisions by asking questions. We can see how fear may be at the root of both the triggering action and our reaction. Another way to look at cultivating compassion is that showing compassion is confronting our fears, confronting pain, and helping to alleviate that pain within ourselves and others.
Fear
Fear is a barrier to compassion when our concern for our family member’s safety keeps us so focused on their well-being that we desperately try to control outcomes. It is difficult to feel compassion for actions that don’t fit our expectations. Our motivation is understandable. We are there because we care. Sometimes, we feel like we care more about our family member’s well-being than they do about their own. When fear is driving our thoughts, compassion is in the backseat.
Disconnected from Compassion
Before we talk about reconnecting to our compassion, let’s look a bit closer at how we disconnect because when we understand that path, the next time, we can recognize our direction and destination sooner and turn around. As said previously, we are able to feel and show compassion when we create a habit of prioritizing our well-being and maintain replenished compassion reserves. On the other hand, if we have had to repeatedly put the needs of our family member before our own, we may be exhausted and burned out. Our reactions no longer match our values.
Who have I become?
When our compassion reserves are depleted, we are more easily overwhelmed and more quickly irritated. As consistent stress from caregiving leads us down the spectrum towards burnout, the result is more stress because our coping mechanisms are no longer effective. Our energy continues to get depleted. We have trouble sleeping, which adds to the negative cycle. Empathy drains us even further, and we no longer feel compassion for our care recipient, friends, family, strangers, or ourselves. Love feels elusive.
A caregiver recounted being in the grocery store and being irritated by the friendly banter between the customer and the cashier. She thought, “I used to be that customer. She’s obviously not a caregiver, with her lighthearted attitude.” She may have been a caregiver, but probably not a burned-out caregiver, and those happy, friendly interactions throughout the day are essential, but when our compassion reserves are depleted, we only feel irritation. We look in the mirror, don’t recognize ourselves, and wonder, who have I become?
Love and gratitude feel elusive
Similarly, when we are struggling and hear about caregivers who feel tremendous gratitude for the opportunity to care for a family member, it can feel like another failure on our part. If we are experiencing burnout or compassion fatigue, gratitude is often not within the realm of possible emotions. It can feel like a grateful caregiver is an alien walking a different path on an entirely different planet and not an experience we can relate to, which is what it feels like when we are disconnected from compassion.
Compassion for Ourselves
Walking back toward compassion begins with self-compassion. We can start to reconnect to our compassion by giving up the guilt.
“That’s funny. I don’t remember buying tickets to this guilt trip.”
Unknown
Grief and shame disguised as guilt
How many times have you thought or said, I feel so guilty? We feel guilt when we have done something wrong. But what if we haven’t done anything wrong? What is that feeling disguising itself as guilt? It is the other G word, grief with a healthy or unhealthy dose of shame mixed in. This knowledge helped shift my perspective. Grief and shame I could manage. When we better understand the complexity of these emotions, we can show ourselves compassion and understanding when they arise.
Further examination might reveal a connection to fear which can fuel both emotions. Fear of loss and fear of regret can intensify feelings of grief and shame. Mindfulness, another of the Sustainable Caregiving strategies, can help us manage fear and keep us in the present moment rather than ruminating on the past or worrying about the future
Micro-dosing self-kindness
Another way to show yourself compassion is to micro-dose self-kindness. You might think of this as showing random acts of compassion to yourself. One example is taking a break when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. We often feel guilt when we aren’t managing a situation well, not feeling or showing compassion, and taking a break might add to the guilt, but it is what we need and deserve. A break can give us an opportunity to process and reframe the experience, maybe journal about it. We can ask ourselves what we have learned and how we might benefit from the challenge.
Self-compassion permits us to engage in self-care. If self-care is a new concept and feels selfish, showing compassion for ourselves will help us recognize that caring for ourselves is not selfish. With self-compassion, we detach guilt from self-care and attach respect. It’s important to note that self-compassion isn’t the same as feeling sorry for ourselves. Instead, it is about feeling empowered. For example, we might enter a challenging situation by first setting an intention to maintain our sense of wholeness and courage. We acknowledge that this is hard, and we will feel challenged, and we owe ourselves space and grace to feel the emotions and to have the opportunity to grow from the struggle.
Let compassion be your compass. Practicing self-compassion shows you the consideration and care you would give a friend going through a challenging experience. Showing ourselves kindness and compassion fosters our resilience and ability to cope with the challenges of caregiving.
Negative self-talk
Showing kindness to ourselves can begin with our thoughts. Negative self-talk can sabotage us and create more stress. When we feel inadequate and reinforce the feelings with negative self-talk about our perceived lack of abilities or mistakes, we can misread others’ motivations and interpret them through the lens of our negativity. We can miss the bright side because we are so focused on the dark side. Negative self-talk can lead to ruminating and excessive worrying. We can stop negative self-talk mid-sentence with awareness and replace it with a positive mantra. Your mantra might be
- I am here for you.
- This is hard. I’m doing my best.
- I deserve kindness.
- I am enough.
You are enough
You are enough! This is a powerful statement. “I am enough” is a powerful mantra. It can be easy to say and yet so difficult to feel. When you feel genuine compassion for yourself, you will know that you are enough. It doesn’t mean you are perfect; it means that you show up, you do your best, and you will continue to learn and grow. Be gentle with yourself. You are enough. We can also use mindfulness to explore the validity of the negative thought and, with clarity, reframe the challenge that caused the negative thoughts. If you find that you are self-critical, you may consider the advice, comfort, or kind words you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Maybe even write those words of wisdom in your journal.
Self-forgiveness and self-compassion are self-care
Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are self-care. When we assess how we might forgive ourselves, we might think of times when we reacted strongly. Or conversely, maybe we were deficiently proactive. In addition, mistakes and misunderstandings are common in caregiving. Our list can be long, and forgiveness starts with self-compassion. We can use our journal to reflect and process whenever we feel regret or remorse. A journal prompt to get started might be, “I made a mistake. What next? How can I learn from what happened?”
Honest reflection can help us put the incident in perspective and help us understand why we behaved in a particular way, and the role others’ actions or reactions may have played. With reflection, we can learn and understand the underlying factors that contributed to mishandling an interaction. Were we tired, hungry, or both? Would taking a break have prevented the pressure from building up throughout the day? Journaling the insights, the lessons learned, and the changes needed allows us to shift from self-criticism to a place of empowerment. We cultivate resilience when, with compassion, we acknowledge that we did the best we could and now have information that will help us do better the next time.
Compassion From and For Others
When we show ourselves compassion, we begin to replenish our compassion reserves and can start to consider compassion for others.
“Practice love, compassion, and forgiveness. Anger is nothing but an anchor that keeps you from moving forward.”
Abby Fabiaschi, the author of I liked My Life
As caregivers, we often feel taken advantage of and not shown appreciation for all we do, which feels unfair and inspires anger. In addition, we experience a validation void.
Validation void
We talked about the lack of validation being a barrier to feeling and showing compassion, and as caregivers, it can feel like we are left out of the compassion loop. A caregiver shared that she and her dad shared a primary care physician she saw often when bringing her dad to appointments. During a rare visit for her health, he asked how she was doing, and she replied, “You know, a little stressed.” He said, “Why are you stressed?” She said, “You know, caring for Dad.” His response was, “Just let that stuff roll off your back.” He couldn’t relate to the reality of being a family caregiver, and his advice made her feel like her complaints were unwarranted and, as she said, “In his eyes, I just couldn’t handle what should be easy to manage.”
Interactions like this one can chip away at our confidence and our compassion. If we can’t receive compassion from those whose job is to look after our well-being, then it is no wonder our friends and family struggle to offer us the validation and empathy we desperately need. It is essential to shift our expectations so that these interactions don’t derail us on our path to reconnect with our compassion. When we understand that caregiving gives us a perspective many do not have, we can adjust our sensitivity and view these interactions as lessons and data points. We can identify and note the people in our circles who clearly see us and understand the role and the challenges. We can rely on these people to validate our experience when we need to vent our frustration and pain.
Friends and family
Forgiving friends and family for not being there either physically or emotionally can help release the anchor of anger that is holding us back from reconnecting to compassion. If forgiveness doesn’t come easily, practice smaller acts of forgiveness and build up to the bigger acts. This is important for our well-being. Opportunities to practice forgiveness present themselves organically throughout the day, and with mindfulness and awareness, we can recognize them and take advantage of the opportunities to be more compassionate. It may be that we refrain from saying something disparaging or offer kind words during a moment of frustration. Whether active or passive practice, small daily acts will help us become more skilled at demonstrating empathy and forgiveness, which are closely connected.
Our care recipient
Finally, our care recipient can inspire forgiveness. We are possibly at the worst place we have ever been in our life. The family member we are caring for is likely at the worst place they have ever been in their life. This is the setting for the perfect storm where compassion is the oxygen getting sucked into the swirl of negative emotions, leaving us completely depleted. In an ideal situation, you and your family member would show each other compassion for what you are both experiencing. Understanding that this is unlikely to happen and that others’ behaviors are entirely out of our control can help us change our expectations and reframe control. When we forgive our family member, we release the anchor and free ourselves.
Reconnect to Compassion
So how do we find our way back to our recognizable selves? Returning to our compassionate selves requires identifying the path that led us to our current state, following it back, and then changing direction.
Boundaries
One step to reconnect to compassion is to adjust boundaries and routines so that self-care is a priority and is protected. As mentioned, boundaries help us preserve our compassion reserves by establishing limits that prevent a build-up of resentment and anger, allowing us to maintain our capacity for compassion. We could say that healthy boundaries are inspired by compassion, compassion for ourselves, compassion for our family member, and compassion for those who help us care for our family member.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness allows us to reinforce boundaries with intention and compassion. When a boundary has been crossed, it is the focus on the present moment that will allow us to act with compassion and according to our values rather than react with the negative energy that accompanies negative thoughts and emotions. As we cultivate mindfulness, we gain awareness of how and where our bodies tense when we feel stress. Awareness helps us recognize when we are consumed by a worry or a frustration rather than focusing on the present. Or, with awareness, we recognize when the anger we feel is due to a crossed boundary. With clarity comes calm, allowing us to channel compassion for ourselves and others.
Meditation is one path to cultivating mindfulness, and meditation has been shown to improve empathy and increase compassion. Within meditation, there are many forms, and some may appeal to you more than others. You might try a walking meditation, guided meditation, or sound bath meditation. Yoga and Tai Chi are also types of meditation. But meditation is not the only way to cultivate mindfulness and enhanced awareness. Throughout the day, practicing breathing exercises or simply bringing attention to the present moment will help develop our ability to remain present. Mindfulness, boundaries, and compassion work together to help us retrace our steps. We can use mindfulness to act according to our hearts and use compassion to set and reinforce boundaries according to our values.
Get off of my cloud
To better understand the mindfulness, compassion, boundaries, connection, take a moment to imagine that you are sitting on a fluffy cloud of calm and clarity. Your compassion reserves are in a blue heart-shaped pillow, and you are hugging this pillow. The pillow gives you comfort, and you are protecting your compassion. The cloud boundaries around you shift. You can’t see or touch them, but they are there, protecting you and your compassion reserves. Outside the cloud is the chaos of life, but the area within the circle around you remains calm because the boundaries work to protect you and your compassion. When someone starts to cross your boundary or step on your cloud, mindfulness alerts you. You channel the Rolling Stones and say, “Hey, You, Get off of my cloud,” but you say it with compassion.
Accept help and prioritize self-care
When we accept help and lighten our caregiving load, we can use the time gained for self-care. We can reconnect with our compassion by redefining and increasing self-care activities to fit our caregiving hours, days, or weeks.
Venting
We might re-evaluate venting opportunities. Think about how you currently vent frustrations. Do you feel better afterward? If the answer is yes, then venting is working to relieve stress. If the answer is no, or if you find that you are still venting about the same things over and over, it may not be helping and, conversely, keep you stuck on the problems. Or you may need to find a new person to vent to, a new counselor, support group, or a different friend, someone who gets it. You might prefer processing the uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and interactions through journaling.
When we figure out what strategies and activities support our well-being, and our compassion is replenished, it can be like putting on glasses with a new prescription, but instead of seeing things clearly again, we feel things clearly again.
Get Started
Reflect
To get started, reflect forward. Imagine that you have developed a foundation of mindfulness, cultivated self-compassion, and are direct and honest in communicating boundaries. With this image in mind, how does the caregiving experience look different than the current situation? When you see the vision of where you would like to be, the steps forward can become more evident.
Journal
Consider this quote by Rumi, “Never give from the depths of your well but from your overflow.” In your journal, describe what it feels like to be low on love and giving from the depths of your well. Journal ways you can replenish your well. As you begin to find your way back to loving yourself and showing yourself kindness and compassion, ask yourself each day, as often as necessary, “What do I need to replenish my feelings of well-being?” Write your responses in your journal.
Practice
When the emotions are swirling, maybe the trifecta, anger, guilt, and resentment, all fueled by fear, be still for a moment. Imagine giving yourself a big hug. You deserve it. This is hard. Ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” Take a few deep breaths and sit with that question. You might then ask, “What do we need in this moment?” These questions will lead us to compassion. If we can be compassionate with ourselves while feeling these powerful emotions, the barriers to compassion begin to dissipate. We can then accept our situation, our challenges, and our shortcomings. We can more clearly see the compassionate way forward.
Another technique you might try is developing a mantra. You could use this quote by Jack Kornfield as inspiration, “If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete.” Write out your mantra and place it where you are sure to see it as a reminder to fill your well throughout the day.
Look for opportunities to apply empathy and compassion. Forgive yourself and others. Free up your thoughts to focus on love and shift your focus to your well-being, so that focus on the injury doesn’t consume your thoughts and add to the injury. If you feel disconnected from compassion, these strategies can help you reconnect, feel the love and gratitude you deserve, and find previously elusive gratitude in the caregiving experience.
For more information on compassion and caregiving, check out Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving and the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.
[1] Turn Empathy Into Compassion Without the Empathic Distress. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pulling-through/201912/turn-empathy-compassion-without-the-empathic-distress