A healthy ego is a positive, productive tool that helps us maintain and thrive in relationships. A scarred ego has been damaged by repeated conflict and can seem to have a mind and motive of its own. Rather than help us seek win/win results, the ego may see the only path to winning is a win/lose outcome.
“The ego is the single biggest obstruction to the achievement of anything.” Richard Rose
David Burns is the author of Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work. He uses cognitive, interpersonal therapy to help people get along better. In a podcast, the author said that in therapy settings, he found that the majority of people didn’t truly want to get along. The conflict served them more than harmony. I paused the podcast and tried to wrap my head around the concept. A minority I could understand, but the majority made no sense. A year later, I realized that I had been standing firm with that majority in my caregiver role. My ego had been dominating the relationship and was determined to be correct. When our ego is dominating the relationship and is determined to be right, the ego is the only winner in the end. In other words, there are no real winners.
Emotions and Ego
I took pride in the fact that I could take ego out of any work situation. It was my superpower. The focus on win/win allowed me to achieve many accomplishments in collaboration with team members at all levels. The irony is not lost that I took pride in this ability. When I began caring for Dad, I expected my work skillset to transfer to my caregiving role. Yet, I found myself struggling to communicate effectively. The systems I developed were rejected, and I lost my effective delegation skills. I didn’t realize that emotions were tripping me up at every turn. My ego was not as in check as I thought it was.
Our emotions are clues. When we experience anger, it may be because a boundary was crossed. It may be because our ego was injured. It may be that fear was sparked. We may be too invested in something that doesn’t warrant a significant level of worry. When we take a minute to check in with ourselves and determine the root of the anxiety or frustration, we can train our minds to choose and change how we feel. Then, we might respond with curiosity or humility which will counterbalance our ego. Our effective response will boost our confidence and help heal our wounded ego. In this way, awareness and mindfulness will turn our emotions into tools and place us on the path to a healthier ego.
Conflicts and Ego
The conflicts that accompany caring for an aging parent can be unsettling. It may feel like we have been plopped back into the nest. Our inner child emerges to go into battle. The subjects of the disagreements may be minor skirmishes or major conflicts such as driving or medicine management. These can be battles of epic proportions. The insist/resist roles and cycles have been flipped. We are not parenting a child, but as roles and responsibilities shift, it is hard to define this strange new relationship and why it produces such strong, uncomfortable emotions? The ego thrives on approval, generates obstacles, and is focused on win/lose. Could this be the source of our conflict?
What if our loved one refuses to eat what we consider healthy foods? We are concerned about their well-being. We insist that this choice is better than that, and it might be. You reach an agreement and feel that you have been heard and validated, only to begin the dance again the next day. We can tell ourselves to let it go and that in the bigger scheme of things, this is not that important. But, it may still eat away at us. Our sense of self is challenged. We defend our position. This exchange may play out over and over each day with different issues.
We are at risk of losing our ability to empathize and show compassion when we experience frequent disagreement with our family member. Then, we feel shame and guilt because we are not relating better. Our ego is further damaged by the guilt and the disappointment in our ability to manage interactions more productively, more peacefully. Resentment follows, and anger tags along for the ride. This feedback loop of emotions can be blocked when we recognize the role of the ego, our ego, in the dynamic.
Dissonance and Ego
We consider ourselves compassionate, caring individuals, but we may be experiencing caregiver burnout, compassion fatigue. When our compassion reserves get depleted, we lose our capacity for compassion. We look in the mirror and wonder who we are, who we have become. This conflict results in feelings of cognitive dissonance; our mind experiences discomfort because we hold two conflicting beliefs: I am a compassionate person. I do not feel compassion. This discomfort drives us to resolve the conflict.
The resolution may require that we shift a belief in our favor, justify our stance or actions, regardless of validity. For example, you may consider yourself easygoing and experience relatively little conflict in exchanges outside of the caregiving experience. Yet, just the thought of interacting with your loved one can cause your heart to start racing and the defenses to build. A conversation turns confrontational. You react. We can justify our reaction and, at the same time, be appalled at our lack of control. Our self-justification may involve blaming our family member’s “bad behavior,” but is our mind using one of its many tools to serve the ego? Self-assessment is not easy. No one wants to hear that they might be the cause of conflict when they have been working diligently toward peace.
Mindfulness and Ego
Awareness that we cultivate through mindfulness activities will alert us when our ego may have been triggered. The mindfulness that we have cultivated will help us remain calm during these tense moments. Have you ever had your parent tell you about great advice given by a stranger, when in fact, you have been offering this advice repeatedly for months? What if you were a doctor and your parent tells you about the great advice from a neighbor, the same advice you had shared many times only to be met with indifference or an attitude of dismissal? It happens. All the time.
It is easy to see how our ego gets bruised. We are all grown up now, and others look to us for advice. We may hold positions of responsibility, so why wouldn’t we expect our parents to see us in our new grown-up outfit, making important decisions? While they may be proud of us and marvel at all that we have accomplished, they have been taking care of themselves quite well without our help, and we, after all, had been taken care of by them, so that is a dynamic that is hard to flip.
Name It and You Can Tame It
I took one of two approaches when I saw that my ego was gearing up for a skirmish. First, I simply said the word “ego” to myself when I recognized that the thought had an ego component. As the fleeting egoic thought through my mind was swiftly labeled, the thought dropped away when the wind was taken from its sails. The second strategy to tame this part of my personality was to give her a name of her own. Trouble was the name I chose, and I even created an image of a puppy that acted out because she wasn’t getting attention. Trouble simply needed to be trained.
All of us are dealing with ego states that Sigmund Freud identified, and Eric Berne further explored and defined as “a system of feelings accompanied by related set of behaviour patterns.” Berne, the creator of Transactional Analysis, determined that the three ego states were the Parent, Adult, and Child. Ego states can overlap, causing inner turmoil. We can operate from any of these states depending on our situation and what triggers or activates that part of our personality, causing a particular ego state to dominate the interaction. Imagine how this can wreak havoc with a parent, adult child relationship transformed into caregiver, care recipient while both may still be very entrenched in a parent, child dynamic at some level. It is helpful to think about what place our reactions are coming from and how this might also complicate our relationship as we care for our parent.
If we identify which of the three ego states we are operating from and name it, awareness can help us shift out of a state that may be causing conflict. When interacting with a partner, ideally both of you would strive for awareness and make the shift. When caring for a parent, many factors place this responsibility solely on your shoulders.
- The Parent part of our ego will be demonstrating nurturing or controlling behaviors.
- The Adult aspect of our ego will act logically rather than emotionally and deal with the present situation rather than be influenced by triggers from past conflicts.
- The Child component can respond in a curious and loving manner, but alternatively, negative emotions such as guilt, fear, and pride can dominate interactions when we are operating from this state.
Fear vs. Love
Our parent’s opinion of us matters. If we don’t feel suitably seen or given credit we feel we deserve; it can be triggering. What if we never felt we received enough recognition from our parent, and now after decades of feeling competent, we face feelings of inadequacy? What if we thought we had this part of our growth figured out. You and your parent related well as adults, expressed mutual respect, and meant it. Now, suddenly, your opinion is questioned.
“Ego adds injury to every injury you experience.”
Ryan Holiday, Ego is the Enemy
The resistance to your advice may be caused by cognitive decline. It may be a reaction to our parent feeling controlled or fear of more loss, losing independence. Regardless of our parent’s motivation, our Child feels called out, and it stings. When we respond from the Child state, we respond from a place of fear rather than love. Love is egoless. What if we looked at our relationships and altercations and took some of the responsibility, not the blame or the shame, but recognize where we may be able to change the dynamic by altering our investment in ego. We can each find our path to this place that is free from ego. We can care without expectations.
Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving is available on Amazon. Also, check out the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast. Begin to build your personal Sustainable Caregiving foundation.
Schedule Theresa Wilbanks to speak on caregiving and empower the caregivers in your workplace or community with the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies.
Advice offered is for general information only; please contact your healthcare team, legal or financial advisors to guide your particular situation.